We carry silver dollars in our pockets to be sure that we rule the world. We smoke dope and get high to forget that there's a real world out there full of real suffering and real starvation and real pain. We get drunk and we forget. We forget that there is beauty on this planet. We wrap our selves in silk and million dollar gowns and think that this is beauty. We think that laying in bed full of cancer and coating ourselves in face paint is beautiful. Lip injections and face lifts and implants, its all to make us beautiful. You'll stand on the edge of the universe and scream until your sure that someone's heard you, then come back down. This is your idea of fun. You make yourself bleed so that someone will notice and bring you a band aid and hold you tight in their arms and whisper sweet nothings so you'll stop crying. They don't realize your smiling and laughing under your breath, this is just what you wanted. You place your hand on the space on my back between my two love handles and it reminds me of lemon slices, and if none of this makes sense run it through your head five thousand times until its all just a fog and doesn't need to make sense because nothing makes sense anymore. I fight my way through a battle to find the perfect pair of shoes before some other girl who will be there too finds them and takes them from my feet. This is what makes sense? I can't smell lemons when you touch my back but I can reenact the civil war to find the perfect pair of stilettos that I'll wear once then shove them in a closet to rot like the rest of by past. This is called being civilized. Makes perfect sense to me. We'll get shots and cry and complain because of a sore arm that we know will get better in hours. And we're all lying through our teeth, pretending we've changed when were all playing dress up and house, mocking each other without noticing. I have respect for dandelions. They are all the same, but at least they can admit it. They don't dye themselves red and pretend to be roses. A dandelions a dandelion, whey can't you just be you? And if all these are are thoughts from a girl that doesn't know how to think, maybe that's what you need, a bit of mind numbing ramblings reminding you to stay awake and stat alert! Someones always trying to be you, and thats the last thing you need.

Wild Things

All the wild things running round my head
Making noises in the closest, laying down, playing dead
All the wild things, broken and alone
Keep walking on, getting high, getting stoned
Disappointment has a way of getting in their face
Laughing at the wild things to put them in their place

All the wild things call me out at night
To dance between the caravans in the bright moonlight
All the wild things tower over all the towns
Howell at their tragedy like wolverines and clowns
Insanity is inching ever closer to my breast
None of the wild things will give me a rest

All the wild things, rulers in the dark
With the help of little children whose dogs couldn't bark
All the wild things cause chaos with no ends
I wish I couldn't say it but I called these beasts my friends
Endless devastation to everything you've known
All the wild things, only wilder they've grown

Dear Joanna Newsome,

Please adopt me and teach me how to be as fantastic as you. I promise I'll be good.

You, who used to be my best friend

Your talking through diamonds
Liquid gold
And silver chairs
Standing on mountains
You don't recognize me
With silver hairs
My face is gray
Tired and thin
Wondering if that is what it takes
To Win
You don't want it
Anymore
Breaking your back
To tie the score
Watching fairies dance
On ice coated lakes
Losing yourself
Is just what it takes
And when you finally looked
And saw what we see
You were amazed
By what you could be
Helping yourself
To vats of cocaine
Watching diamonds pour out
Like ghostly rain
Dead girl walking
Spying on beasts
Johnny Cash singing
Hoping to please
In the background of your mind
Your dying to fit in
Giving it all up
Is where to begin
I am silver, I am gray
I don't recognize who you are today
When you looked, and saw what we see
You were appalled by what you could be

Dear ____

I don't know how to talk to you. I don't think I know what to say. I am angry and I am tired. Most of all I miss you. I don't want to be alone anymore. I wish I could tell you how I feel. I wish I could talk to you. I am choosing to write you a letter that I know you will never read, because I am scared. I don't want to over think things. I do anyway. I don't want to be myself anymore, but I am. I wish I wasn't. I wonder why you never called me back. I wonder why you never called me. I wonder why you said you would. I wish you would stop pretending. I wish we would all stop pretending. I wish we would all take off our masks and look in the mirror. Take off our masks and look at each other and realize that we are all in the same boat. We are sinking, we are all going to drown. But we are all together. I wish I could detach myself. I wish I could get off this boat. But I think I'm the only one who realized we're on it. The water is cold, and it hurts to be in it, but we are. I wish I could swim. I wish I didn't fight myself. I wish the two halves of me could just get along. It would make things much easier. I wish I could tell you these things. I wish you would stop and listen. I wish I could tell you my life story, if you don't already know it, and you would sit and hold my hand and tell me I'll get through this. Tell me that in the end its all going to be okay. I want to know that its going to be okay. I want to stop suffocating myself. When I lie in the darkness and there's no one there. When there is no one there, I wish there was. I wish I knew you were with me. I wish I knew that you were there for me. When I lie in the darkness and stare at the warped wood holding up nothing but space, I wish you were there. I wish I could coax myself into sleep and the false belief that everything's going to be better in the morning. I wish everything was better in the morning. I wish you were here beside me, now, instead of a million miles away. I want to be a million miles away. I wish you hadn't left me. I wish you weren't leaving me. I wish I could leave. I wish I could finish this letter. I wish I could tell you. I wish you were here. Most of all I wish you'd stop pretending. Stop pretending that you care.


Andrea.