Dear ____

I don't know how to talk to you. I don't think I know what to say. I am angry and I am tired. Most of all I miss you. I don't want to be alone anymore. I wish I could tell you how I feel. I wish I could talk to you. I am choosing to write you a letter that I know you will never read, because I am scared. I don't want to over think things. I do anyway. I don't want to be myself anymore, but I am. I wish I wasn't. I wonder why you never called me back. I wonder why you never called me. I wonder why you said you would. I wish you would stop pretending. I wish we would all stop pretending. I wish we would all take off our masks and look in the mirror. Take off our masks and look at each other and realize that we are all in the same boat. We are sinking, we are all going to drown. But we are all together. I wish I could detach myself. I wish I could get off this boat. But I think I'm the only one who realized we're on it. The water is cold, and it hurts to be in it, but we are. I wish I could swim. I wish I didn't fight myself. I wish the two halves of me could just get along. It would make things much easier. I wish I could tell you these things. I wish you would stop and listen. I wish I could tell you my life story, if you don't already know it, and you would sit and hold my hand and tell me I'll get through this. Tell me that in the end its all going to be okay. I want to know that its going to be okay. I want to stop suffocating myself. When I lie in the darkness and there's no one there. When there is no one there, I wish there was. I wish I knew you were with me. I wish I knew that you were there for me. When I lie in the darkness and stare at the warped wood holding up nothing but space, I wish you were there. I wish I could coax myself into sleep and the false belief that everything's going to be better in the morning. I wish everything was better in the morning. I wish you were here beside me, now, instead of a million miles away. I want to be a million miles away. I wish you hadn't left me. I wish you weren't leaving me. I wish I could leave. I wish I could finish this letter. I wish I could tell you. I wish you were here. Most of all I wish you'd stop pretending. Stop pretending that you care.


Andrea.