Give Me...

good literature and a fat book of poetry. My mind is melting from children overreacting and raging hormones. But I learned to keep my temper and mold how I think. And I am happy in my life. Teen drinking is such a ridiculous thing.
Technology is destroying our futures.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all out exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half heard, in the stillness
Between the two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always--
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of things shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

          Little Gidding V,
          Four Quartets.
          -- T.S. Eliot (1943)

How I Exist

Before I existed, I was a void. I was a blank white sheet of paper. I was a black hole. I was something missing in the world. Before I existed, there was space for me, just nothing filling it. There was a hollow willow tree beside a lake in Canada, covered in hard bark and leaves, disguising it, making it look as if there was nothing there. A small, yellow bird landed on the leaves, and began to dig, with its tiny little feet, into the tree. It broke through the hard surface on the outside, the bark crawling with darkness and bugs. The little yellow bird burrowed deep inside the tree, hid itself from sorrow, and nine months later, out came me. I was the product of laughter and sunshine, yellow from ear to ear, although you wouldn't know it just by looking. I had wings and learned to fly, slowly but surely, to the moon. I taught myself to eat, finding food in the sky, and I taught myself to sing. In the mornings, I would turn my face to the world and sing a song about the history of my mind. I couldn't yet speak language. I was still stuck speaking God. Every night I would return to the hollow emptiness inside of the willow tree, soothing myself to sleep. Eventually, after I could fly without falling, I made my way to a river that led me to the sea. On the white shores of Canada, cold and tired and lost, I found a family. They were sitting on the beach, watching the waves. They called to me, said they were waiting. Said they had been expecting me. They told me they had let let their bird go many years ago, I was expected much sooner. They had been waiting on the beach ever since. They took me home with them, smoothed out my feathers, washed my feet. They said they had been missing me, that there had been a void in their life that only a little yellow bird could fill. For three weeks we lived in happiness and peace. One day, exactly three weeks after the family had found me, they broke down. They threw plates against the walls and yelled out
and yelled out
that they didn't want a little bird anymore. They wanted a child and a family and to live apart from one another. They didn't make any sense to me. I tried to fly away but got stuck in the branches of a tree outside the window. They found me there, vulnerable and stranded. They took me back inside. They plucked out my feathers, broke off my wings, and turned me into a child. I was the product of yelling and moonlight. I was darkness from ear to ear, as you can easily see. I live and I still try to fly from time to time. I love flying. I miss the lakes of Canada.

Look Out For Cows

The trees look like people
And the people trees
Solid, still
Evergreen.
The food taste like ashes
The ashes food
But both tend
To lighten your mood.
I am laughing at myself
And at my friends
And at the world.
Yeah,
The world is geeking me out.
The milkshake was the best thing
and the time was second best.
We laughed and laughed
And laughed and laughed
A friend stopped by to say
But we screamed and ran away
We hid and he didnt see us there.
I am LOVING A Very Potter Musical.
Are words more important
Or pictures
Or prints
Or the actual item in your hand?
This is two nights worth
Of stoned ramblings and ideas.
My head is full of dust.
I want to brush my teeth and then go to sleep.
I want to go to the moon.
I have been on two inches of the map. The world is much too large for me.

If I could string my thoughts together, in one long ribbon of silent ideas and memories, it would fill up all the rooms in my house. I could wrap ten thousand Christmas presents inside of my mind, and have some left over to tie up my future daughter's hair. I hold my thoughts highly, they make up who I am. I choose the thoughts that I wish to share carefully, sometimes. Sometimes they spill out and I forget to stop them from falling to the floor. I often hold too many thoughts.
I have learned that glass breaks. While starting fires and soothing broken hearts. I have heard the sound of breaking glass. I have felt the shards of broken glass beneath my bare feet as I walk through my kitchen to get a cup of tea. My kitchen is not quite large enough to walk through. I stand in a corner of it, I am standing in the whole thing.
I have never found the sun appalling, yet I have asked to live in rooms without windows. The darkness reminds me to appreciate the light. Silence, living alone with me, with its arms around me and its breath on my neck, allows me to get to know the strangers in my head. The words I don't understand, the demons that I wish weren't there. I get to know my demons, and when I break open the walls to find the sun glaring in my eyes, there is more peace inside of me than there was before.
I am a grade A liar. I can smile through tears and cry through laughter. I lie to say that I am not lying. I lie to say that I am okay. It is easier not to speak when tears well up in the back of your throat and your voice cracks as if you are singing through a ninety year old microphone. It is easier if they don't ask.
I wish I could smile and be happy for the world in a time of such progress and growth. There are monsters on this planet and wars being fought, but some things are changing. I wish I could congratulate them.
And if I could, I would dance with wolves. I would sing their great songs to the moon and tell her she is beautiful and loved and should never stop lighting up our night. I imagine wolves are wonderful dancers.

To Fly Straight

We ran into brick buildings.
It was all my fault.
They crumbled at our feet
As if we were the big bad wolf,
Only four times stronger
And half as large.
They will never remember our name,
The one on our monogram
Beneath the picture of three hands holding onto each other
As if the world was ending and it was the last thing they would ever touch.
We knew they felt like velvet
And tasted the sunset.
The world was impossible to please.
It was all my fault,
I insisted we fly straight
Into brick houses
And windows
And ruin stranger's lives.
I wanted to pretend that we were Santa Claus,
Come in through the chimney, unannounced
And bring with us presents and good intentions.
The strangers called us thieves and chased us out of their homes
With sticks and pebbles and mace.
To pay them back for our good tidings,
We knocked their houses down.
Call it an act of teen angst,
I call it self defiance.
The only hearts we were breaking were our own.
But I learned to follow roads,
The path more traveled.
I learned to conform to what The Man told us to do.
I learned to hide my face with my fingers
And peek between the cracks.
I learned it was silly
To ever have tried
To impress you.

Catching Up On Sleep

Andrea's List Of Things That Are Not Impossible

1. Eternal youth
2. An existing God
3. Multiple existing gods
4. Soul mates
5. True love
6. A cure for AIDS
7. A cure for cancer
8. The human race being able to fly
9. Saving the planet
   
10. Happiness, contentment, joy, for as long as we all shall live

Andrea's List Of Things That Are Impossible

1. Too much education
2. Reading too many books
3. Reading Harry Potter too many times
4. Peace everywhere, within everyone
5. A dislike of chocolate (I truly know that everyone who says "I don't like chocolate" is joking)
6. Discovering the meaning of life
7. Man successfully playing God, its dangerous territory
8. Curing every disease and not having any new one's that need new cures creeping up on us
9. Having your soul simply disappear after death, we all go somewhere, do something, no matter what you believe
10. Happiness, contentment, joy, for as long as we all shall live
    

The world is too loud to hear
When she is crying, she's too loud to hear
When she is crying, she is too loud
The waves are flowing
In and out your mind
They are too much
They are too much to bear
So you don't look there.
What the world is saying
Over and over
Skipping beats
Skipping tracks
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Saying I am right here
I am right here.
But it is too loud to hear.
And the sea is in your back pocket
And the sea is in your back pocket
And the sea is in your back pocket
But you'll never know
Cause you never care to look there
But you'll never know
Cause you never care to look
Anywhere
I am speaking loud and clear
Speaking for her so you can hear
I don't speak softly but I don't yell.
You can hear me you can hear me.
You can see her bones
Lined up against the walls
Spelling out to you
Spelling out to you
So you learn to see
What the world wants to be
What the world used to be
What the world isn't anymore.
Broken mirrors
Litter the floor
You don't look down
You don't see
And the sea is in your back pocket
And the sea is in your back pocket
And the sea is in your back pocket
But you'll never know
Cause you never care to look there
But you'll never know
Cause you never care to look
Anywhere.