I keep an manila envelope of all the poems that I really love.
Today I added
"Mad Girl's Love Song" and "Mushrooms" by Sylvia Plath
Thanks to Nellie Glover
Who told me what to read.

I Wish These Things Were All Made Up

Once, I found a rotting deer in my pond. It looked like it was running; like it had died mid stride trying to escape; like quicksand had caught it and kept it and stunned it so it didn't have the chance to move. I could see where it was rotting. I wish I had closed my eyes and ran away, but I didn't. I stopped and stared. It was one of those car crash sort of things; the sort of things that make you want to claw your eyes out and erase that moment from your memory, but you can't help but memorizing it some more.
I wish the world was less round. I wish there were less webs so that we couldn't possibly know anyone everywhere. We know someone, everywhere. Someone knows someone, everywhere in the world.
I am reverting back to childlike behaviors, to comfort and to places where I knew I could sleep and could wake up and have the same day I had before and love every last moment of it. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I suppose I am trying to find that old familiar feeling, to find a hug in which I feel comfortable and soothed.
Yesterday was a day full of ghosts. I saw people that had once been in my life but are not in it anymore. Isn't that what a ghost is? A shadow and a memory finding you in the present and reminding you of how everything used to be?
I cut bangs into my hair because I thought they looked good. I wore Ray Bans because I thought they looked cool. I smoked a cigarette because I thought it was a fun thing to do with my best friends.
I didn't know anything.
I waited for all the wrong things. I gave away all the wrong things. Everyone has something of me.
I shot my heart two weeks ago. I took a needle and shoved it into my hear and made it stop beating and I gave away for someone to toss into the mud. I don't know what I was thinking.
My sister has become a ghost. My big best sister is a ghost and when she is apparent it is unfamiliar and strange, like a dream I have of things I never really knew.
I wish I was punk or something. Or something, because I am not anything. I always wanted to be a wolf. To be a wolf and wear glasses and drink scotch and fine wine.
I always wanted to be able to sleep.

Every day things feel a little less familiar.
Every day I want to leave something else that I know behind.
Every day I make the decision to shut up, close my eyes, suck it up, ignore it, regret it, push it aside, linger a moment longer on everything that means nothing to me.
Every day I wish I knew someone that I don't know.
Every day I wish I didn't know someone that I know.
Every day I forget who I am, what country I'm from, what I believe in.
Every day I lie to the world a little more.
Every day I get longer, stretching and growing until one day I will snap.
Every day I want less and less but I need more and more.
Every day my eyes grow darker and my skin grows thinner.
Every day I lose something important to me.
Every day I find something new to be grateful for.
Every day things fall apart and every day we put them back together.

Does the internet make us all feel a bit more connected
Or a bit farther apart?

Boy, I sure do sound like a pessimist.

Are you starting to gain feelings towards anyone?
gain awful, terrible feelings towards people

Is anyone overprotective of you?
I am a small child. Everyone is over protective of me.

What's your current problem?
I am still in Maryland, stranded, frustrated, angry.

Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
I sleep with a rabbit who says goodnight to the moon.

Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
I drink soda.

If the person who hurt you most told you they were sorry would you believe them?
No one means it.
Everyone means it.

Do a lot of people understand you completely?
Maybe one human being. But probably not even her.

Has anyone ever said they wanted to marry you?
Yes.
On Halloween.
Outside.
Somewhere beautiful and green.

Do you think this year is better than the last?
Yes.
Graduation, college, being 18.
Yes.

Where were you at 9:00pm, last night?
Home with a million other people.

You're single, right?
I am not single.
I am single.
I have a man.

Excited for anything?
Heading off to Chicago. Escaping this place for a few days.

When will your next kiss be?
Probably tomorrow or the next day or the next.

You never know what you got until you lose it - true or false?
Pretty goddamn fucking true.
Life is one giant bummer after another isnt it.

Have you ever been attracted to someone's parent?
Yes. Oddly enough yes.

Do you think you've changed over the past year?
I am a blob, always morphing changing fitting in between the cracks.
I am not the same as I was yesterday.
I know more.
Have seen more.
Have changed.

Has more than one person ever told you they're in love with you?
Not all at the same time now.
I'm so young.
What do I know about love?

Who was the first person to wish you a happy birthday, this year?
Last year? I believe it was Seth randomly enough.
This year, hopefully Canada.

Can you honestly say that you're okay, right now?
No. I can not. And I can not tell a lie.
There is something weighing on my chest.
It makes it hard to breathe.

Do you plan on sleeping in, tomorrow?
I plan on waking up.

Is it hard to make you laugh?
Depends. I find myself hilarious. Other people, not so much.

Are you doing anything tomorrow?
Waking up. Driving too far. Going to school. Staying at school for rehearsal. Going to a lady's house. Going to my house. Writing an essay. Packing my clothes.

Ever liked someone who treated you wrong?
Everyone's treating everyone wrong.

What kind of shoes did you wear, today?
Black ones. The kind I don't wear socks with.

Where did you buy the shirt you are wearing?
The Christmas tree gave it to me.

Do you like hugs?
It depends. Not group hugs. They make me cringe hard core.

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
Depends on the human that it is.

Something you really want, right now?
Music filling me to the brim.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone?
I always like someone.

Do you watch the Super Bowl?
I did a little bit. At work and over margaritas.

What is your middle name?
Marie. I am an individual.

Do you have your future children's names picked out?
I wanted A Trinity. We watched the matrix too much.
I want a son named Sue so that I can sing him that song all day long.

How many cars can fit in your driveway?
35? Just a guesstimate.

Who was your Kindergarden teacher?
Mrs. Gham.

Are you taller than your Mom?
We are very equal.

Do you have any bruises, right now?
I bruise easily.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant, right now?
Yes. I do.

What brand are your favorite jeans you own?
Khols? I dont remember. They just fit pretty nice.

What is the closest red object to you?
some nobs on this sound shit.

Do you play games on your cellphone?
Used to. Then Tetris was stolen from me. So now, no.

Do you look more like your Mom or Dad?
Mother darling.

Have you ever broken a piñata?
I think I have.

Do you have an iPod or MP3 player?
I do. But I need a replacement.

Do you lose your keys often?
No.

When was your last encounter with the police?
One came into Dunkin Donuts when I was in there yesterday.

Do you sing in the shower?
I sing everywhere.
People get annoyed by it.