Once, I found a rotting deer in my pond. It looked like it was running; like it had died mid stride trying to escape; like quicksand had caught it and kept it and stunned it so it didn't have the chance to move. I could see where it was rotting. I wish I had closed my eyes and ran away, but I didn't. I stopped and stared. It was one of those car crash sort of things; the sort of things that make you want to claw your eyes out and erase that moment from your memory, but you can't help but memorizing it some more.
I wish the world was less round. I wish there were less webs so that we couldn't possibly know anyone everywhere. We know someone, everywhere. Someone knows someone, everywhere in the world.
I am reverting back to childlike behaviors, to comfort and to places where I knew I could sleep and could wake up and have the same day I had before and love every last moment of it. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I suppose I am trying to find that old familiar feeling, to find a hug in which I feel comfortable and soothed.
Yesterday was a day full of ghosts. I saw people that had once been in my life but are not in it anymore. Isn't that what a ghost is? A shadow and a memory finding you in the present and reminding you of how everything used to be?
I cut bangs into my hair because I thought they looked good. I wore Ray Bans because I thought they looked cool. I smoked a cigarette because I thought it was a fun thing to do with my best friends.
I didn't know anything.
I waited for all the wrong things. I gave away all the wrong things. Everyone has something of me.
I shot my heart two weeks ago. I took a needle and shoved it into my hear and made it stop beating and I gave away for someone to toss into the mud. I don't know what I was thinking.
My sister has become a ghost. My big best sister is a ghost and when she is apparent it is unfamiliar and strange, like a dream I have of things I never really knew.
I wish I was punk or something. Or something, because I am not anything. I always wanted to be a wolf. To be a wolf and wear glasses and drink scotch and fine wine.
I always wanted to be able to sleep.
I wish the world was less round. I wish there were less webs so that we couldn't possibly know anyone everywhere. We know someone, everywhere. Someone knows someone, everywhere in the world.
I am reverting back to childlike behaviors, to comfort and to places where I knew I could sleep and could wake up and have the same day I had before and love every last moment of it. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I suppose I am trying to find that old familiar feeling, to find a hug in which I feel comfortable and soothed.
Yesterday was a day full of ghosts. I saw people that had once been in my life but are not in it anymore. Isn't that what a ghost is? A shadow and a memory finding you in the present and reminding you of how everything used to be?
I cut bangs into my hair because I thought they looked good. I wore Ray Bans because I thought they looked cool. I smoked a cigarette because I thought it was a fun thing to do with my best friends.
I didn't know anything.
I waited for all the wrong things. I gave away all the wrong things. Everyone has something of me.
I shot my heart two weeks ago. I took a needle and shoved it into my hear and made it stop beating and I gave away for someone to toss into the mud. I don't know what I was thinking.
My sister has become a ghost. My big best sister is a ghost and when she is apparent it is unfamiliar and strange, like a dream I have of things I never really knew.
I wish I was punk or something. Or something, because I am not anything. I always wanted to be a wolf. To be a wolf and wear glasses and drink scotch and fine wine.
I always wanted to be able to sleep.
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