Laughing out Loud

I write because my parents never taught me proper coping mechanisms. They assumed that I would be okay dealing with piles and piles of inner and external turmoil. I think they didn't like asking if I was okay because they didn't want to hear the answer, which would have been no.

I write because I wonder who you are today. You are a different person each time we meet, and I can't bring myself to ask you why. I think I might understand, and sometimes, it makes me upset. Instead of asking, I write letters to you, and I never tell you about them. I'd rather you be happy than think you are alone.

I write because I feel uncomfortable when I look at the past, but I do so very often. I have moved on, forgiven and accepted, but have not yet forgotten. I feel sad and a bit hollow when I look at the things that I never should have seen, but I do it. A form of self induced suffering. Everyone enjoys a bit of suffering, especially when it is controlled. I make myself look at what I have already survived in order to face what is yet to come. Maybe it helps, but maybe it doesn't.

I write because of words, because of letters, because of sounds. I write because language makes sense but is creative and surprising all at once. It always makes sense, connects, flows, and is what everything is striving to be. It is always creative and unique, telling the story of something that no one knows. It is science and it is fiction. Language is whole. It is beautiful to both see and hear. Language fills up empty space.

I write because I don't know of anything else as powerful to do.

Except for laugh.

18

18 year ago, I came into the world. I took a breath, I opened my eyes, I cried.

19 years ago, I didn't exist.

18 years ago, I was. I was an entity. I began taking up space. I had a heartbeat and fingers and toenails. My parents were happy that I was, I think. I like to think that they were happy that I began being. Sometimes I wonder what they really think.

18 years of living have passed me, have settled into the corners of my brain. Memories sit within it, collecting dust, or are beginning to wear out from being overplayed. What will be left of them 18 years from now? Will they have settled? Will I have let them go? Will I have forgiven them or forgotten them? Will I have thrown them away to make more space?

3 years ago, I was not who I am now. I didn't know anything. I was the shell of a person, the idea of what someone should be, but I was never really anything. 3 years from now, where will I be? I will not be who I am now. I will look back on 18 year old me and say, "You fool, you don't know anything."

I have 18 years today, and I am tired of sitting and idly watching the world pass me by. In the next 18 years, I want to make a difference. I want to be a part of the commotion, I want to jump in and make a change. I want to help, I want to be a piece of something. I want to feel proud of my accomplishments. I want to look back on 36 years of life and say, "Okay, I've done something". I want to learn what it is to be content.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday dear Andrea.

Happy birthday to me.

I wonder Who I Will Be

What are you listening to at the moment?
Grace Potter

How many pillows do you sleep with?
2!

What is currently pissing you off?
i dont know what to do with the copious amounts of CDs withough cases hanging out on my bedroom flor

Do you think your neighbors are creepy?
one of them, yeah, he's a big old creeper

Do you have any friends who aren't complete potheads?
of course

Do you get along with guys?
for the most part

Can you have more than one best friend?
chyeah

The last person who hurt you apologizes, do you accept?
probably. i dont know who hurt me recently, but i tend to not hold grudges very wel

Anyone or anything in particular make your day better today?
dylan not fulfilling what my dream predicted. and marie's little outfit she made out of the tablecloth

When you're really upset, what do you do?
cacacacaCry. and write, and yell

Are you happier now or four months ago?
i dont know. its complicated really.

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to?
stephanie

Describe how you feel right now in one word?
tired

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough?
of course

Does anybody show up at your house without notice to chill?
yeah

Where is your Mother?
sleeping

Where is your Father?
i have no idea!

What is the closest orange object to you?
absolutely nothing

Have you sneezed in the past hour?
i dont believe i have

How many books are in your room?
way too many. they take over my life

Are you scared about the end of the world?
no way

Is there a TV in the room you are in?
indeed

What other language do you want to be fluent in?
sign language...if that doesnt count then french

Do you crack your neck often?
far too much

Is it possible to lick your elbow?
not for me!

Worst feeling in the world?
uncovering that everything EVERYTHING is a lie

Do you like to use post-it notes?
i do!

Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
nooo. if i spent the time to cut them, i would use them

Do you always smile for pictures?
nope

Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
yes i do

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for halloween?
weird shit....rudolph, a christmas tree, a care bear, minnie mouse...weird shit

Are you stubborn?
sometimes

Ever watch soap operas?
nah bra

Afraid of heights?
to an extent, yes. i get a terrible feeling in my feet that i try to avoid at all costs

Take a vitamin daily?
i used to!

What do you wear to bed?
a big cozy tee shirt

Nike or Adidas?
neither

Do you prefer movies at home or movies at the theater?
mostly at home i suppose for my bank accounts sake

Do you take a shower in the morning or the night before?
night time usually. but in the summer day

Are you stressed about anything?
eh. a little. its confusing

Skinny, flared, ripped, or faded jeans?
uh whatever really

What are you excited for?
life

Have you ever had braces?
chyeah

Do those girls with 1,000 friends on Facebook REALLY have that many?
maybe. some poeple are really popular

Do you have any foreign exchange students at your school?
well....i guess

Is your handwriting nice?

not at all

What do you want to be when you're older?
happy

When did you learn the ninja turtles were named after Renaissance artists?
welll. i guess i realized just now

The last person you kissed, do they love you?
i like to believe so

Have you spoke to any of your ex's today?
yess i have

Do you know what your name would have been if you were opposite sex?
david

Do you have any twins in your family?
my grandfather was a twin

Have you ever talked on the phone in the shower/ bathtub?
no i dont think that i have

Do you just want to yell in someone's face right now?
no. i dont

Was today a good day?

it was

Has this week been a good one?
it has

What were you doing at midnight last night?
hanging with my buddies

Did anything "cute" happen today?

uh...i dont really know what that means

Have you ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyed person?
ummm i dont believe so. im not really into blondes

Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette?
i have

Would you lie to the police if it would save your best friend's life?
depends on why i had to lie

Last reason you cried?
too much of everything

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
sleeping

What were you doing at 4am?
going to sleep

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
no, i cant. but they arent tooo bumpy

Are promises important to you?
very

Are you a jealous person?
no. at lest...i dont know. no.

Are you in a good mood?
yeah. just really tired

Have you ever called a bf/gf by another girl/guys name?
hehe yes

Have you ever dated someone more than once?
sort of..ish

Has anyone ever called you a whore?
probably

Is the last person you kissed black?
no, but that would be cool!

Whats the last song you sang?
i am the eggman, i am the walrus.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
of course i would. i dont go around holding hands with just anybody

Do you have feelings for someone?
i have so many feelings

If someone said, "I don't talk shit about people," would you believe them?
sure, some people are good

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
umm...it will be immensely complicated three months from now

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
they might, but it doesnt bother me much.

Is there someone who you instantly smile when you talk to them?
i dont know.

Do you have a Formspring?
i dont use it

If you had a plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go?
New Zealand. please

Where are you right now?
on la couch

Is anything bothering you?
my tired eyes

Are you trying to avoid liking/loving somebody at the moment?
never

Is there someone that you miss right now?
always

When was the last time you wore jeans?
yesterday

Do you hate the first person you fell hardest for?
of course not. i wouldnt be me without him

Will you be up before 7am tomorrow?
i pray not

When you cry, do your eyes change colors?
...no?

Does your middle name begin with a A, M, or S?
it does!

Have you ever got a D or F on your report card?
i have not!

What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
more

After breaking up, whats worse; knowing you still care about them or pretending you hate them?
not being able to say goodnight to them

Where is the one boy/girl you want to see the most right now?
france

Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
of course not

How many piercings/..tattoos do you have?
my ears are pierced!

If the last person you kissed arrived at your house at 3am what would you do?
love it

Have you made a mistake in the past week?
i am always making mistakes

If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted mansion, would you?
sure

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
i sure can

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?
hehe not particularly

If you were getting married, who would be your maid of honor?
AJ

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
i do!

If your ex said they hate you, you say?
thats a bummer

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
sleeping i suppose

Can you play guitar hero?
not well

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
seasons

I met a man in the street who looked as if

Ron Howard

and Oprah had had a son.

He confused me, told me he was tame

as he ran up the sides of buildings

wearing a costume

much too young for his size.

He reached the top,

and from a far away balcony

he yelled down to me,

"Still at large".