I wrote you a letter or two, or maybe more, and in every one I blamed myself. And in every one I believed that I was at fault. I coughed until my lungs fell out and by that point I was unable to breath, gasping for the only fragments of oxygen that I could find. I thought then, just maybe, you'd take notice. All I ever wanted was to be squeezed like cows before they are sent to slaughter; for something stronger than I and bigger than I to hold me not allowing me to move and whisper in my ear, "Relax, it will all be over soon." I wrote to the Patron Saint of All Things Discarded to ask why she decided to make Man. She told me we were made from the leftover pieces that came from every other thing on this planet, the nasty bits they didn't want to keep. The ingrown toenails, and tempers, and the art of being rash all fell off the other creatures until she sowed them together and created us. I spent so much time wondering the point of us before I realized she was only trying to recycle. For so long I have wanted the things that other people have. I looked for ways to get around myself, to avoid my closet and dodge being seen. Mirrors weren't mirrors but instead reflections of reflections that didn't contain me. Some days, you know, I am an idiot dumb enough to kill. There is no redeeming factor in me only the slightest glimmer of a smile laughing my way into obscurity. Why did I never blame you, you combustible mound of pulsing muscle rude enough to rip through every minute of my day to remind me that I am alive but barely living. Why did I never blame you when you were the one who did the hurting who actually hurt who lives inside and all around to forever spit on my feet. I'm sorry I grabbed your face and shook it, and yes, this was my fault I know. And I am sorry I cried and returned to you five times before I actually turned to go. But all I wanted was to be squeezed like those cows being sent to slaughter and have your arms wrapped around me and you whisper in my ear, "Relax, it will all be over soon." And that you didn't, well, that was your fault.
