Dear Paper, my thoughts are missing

2011-10-26T22:29:00.001-04:00

I want to vomit all over my life.

2011-08-14T03:19:00.003-04:00

Dear Eternally Combusting Heart,

I wrote you a letter or two, or maybe more, and in every one I blamed myself. And in every one I believed that I was at fault. I coughed until my lungs fell out and by that point I was unable to breath, gasping for the only fragments of oxygen that I could find. I thought then, just maybe, you'd take notice. All I ever wanted was to be squeezed like cows before they are sent to slaughter; for something stronger than I and bigger than I to hold me not allowing me to move and whisper in my ear, "Relax, it will all be over soon." I wrote to the Patron Saint of All Things Discarded to ask why she decided to make Man. She told me we were made from the leftover pieces that came from every other thing on this planet, the nasty bits they didn't want to keep. The ingrown toenails, and tempers, and the art of being rash all fell off the other creatures until she sowed them together and created us. I spent so much time wondering the point of us before I realized she was only trying to recycle. For so long I have wanted the things that other people have. I looked for ways to get around myself, to avoid my closet and dodge being seen. Mirrors weren't mirrors but instead reflections of reflections that didn't contain me. Some days, you know, I am an idiot dumb enough to kill. There is no redeeming factor in me only the slightest glimmer of a smile laughing my way into obscurity. Why did I never blame you, you combustible mound of pulsing muscle rude enough to rip through every minute of my day to remind me that I am alive but barely living. Why did I never blame you when you were the one who did the hurting who actually hurt who lives inside and all around to forever spit on my feet. I'm sorry I grabbed your face and shook it, and yes, this was my fault I know. And I am sorry I cried and returned to you five times before I actually turned to go. But all I wanted was to be squeezed like those cows being sent to slaughter and have your arms wrapped around me and you whisper in my ear, "Relax, it will all be over soon." And that you didn't, well, that was your fault.

2011-04-03T21:08:00.001-04:00

I think I'll be coming back here for a little while.

Pretty much no one, except for you Krissy Eliot, looks at it.

And I love it because of that.

2010-12-16T00:07:00.001-05:00

I miss this website.

It is so much more personal than that tumblr thing.

I Have Moved

2010-08-29T22:51:00.001-04:00

http://diggingforwords.tumblr.com/

True Love Will Find You In The End

2010-08-27T01:56:00.002-04:00

1. How far away is the last person you kissed?

on another planet. i dont have a space ship

2.Has someone ever told you they would be with you forever?

yes

3.Last person you were in a car with?

a bunch of Albanians

4.Any plans for tomorrow?

i never know anymore

5.How long does it take for you to take a shower?

not very long

6.Best friend or close friends?

Someone who knows me

7.Is tomorrow going to be a good day?

they are all bitter sweet

8.Did you kiss anyone friday?

Last Friday? I did. I wish I could do it again.

9.Ever thrown up in public?

I do not believe so

10.What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?

Home

11.Who was the last person you talked to?

My main man

12.What is the WORST subject they teach at school?

Health

13. Have you seen anyone lately that you dont get along with?

Not yet

14.What is your favourite colour top to wear?

Black or white or gray

15.Have you ever been in a car accident?

Yes I have

16.Whats the closest thing to you that's green?

Grapes

17.Where would you like to be right now?

In a basement in Maryland

18.Write down some lyrics to the song you're listening to?

I get high. I get high. I get high.

19.How many dogs do you have?

None. Just Pratt Cats

20.Is anything bugging you right now?

Not bugging me. Bumming me.

21.Is life going right for you now?

Its going very well. Bitter sweet

22.Is there someone you care about more than yourself?

Yes

23.What made you laugh today?

My siblings

24.What was the last movie you watched?

A minute or two of Hook

25.What's the last conversation you had about?

How much I'm missing someone.

26.What were you doing at 7:00 this morning?

sleeping

27.Do you like your hair long or short?

both

28.Do you want to see somebody right now?

I want to see so many people

29.Do you like the rain?

I love the occasional rainfall

30.Do you think you'll have a Valentine next year?

I don't think anything anymore.

31.The last person you kissed needs you at 3 am, would you go?

I wish I could. But the fact of the matter is that I couldn't.

32.Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?

I would. How could you live knowing you didn't

33.Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?

I wouldn't change a thing.

34.How do you feel about boys smoking?

Smoke your life away. Don't throw your butts.

34.Could you see yourself with someone forever?

I could see myself with someone forever.

35.What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?

Its so bright

36.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?

I know that I can

37.Do you forgive or forget?

I always forgive. I never forget. I think I'm an elephant.

38.Do you trust people?

Too much.

39.What are you not looking forward to?

I'm looking forward to everything at the moment.

40.Do you get mad easily?

Frustrated easily.

41.Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

They have.

42.Do you have strange dreams?

There is no such thing as a normal dream.

43.Ever licked someone's cheek or forehead?

I'm sure.

44.Last time you fell asleep in someone's arms?

Too long.

45.When did you last throw up?

A few months ago.

46.What do you have on you at all times?

Nothing.

47.Would you go out in public without getting all dressed up?

Yes I would

48.Do you like fruity or minty gum?

Minty

49. Favourite musician or group?

I don't play favorites

50. Do you like anyone?

I like so many people

51. Favourite computer game?

Caesar III. Always.

52. First album you ever went and bought with your own money?

If only I could remember.

53. Think back five months ago, were you single?

Never

54. Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?

Sometimes

55. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

I like to think so.

56. Last thing you bought?

A metro card

57. Are you a jealous person?

58. Does it take a lot to make you cry?

It depends on everything

59. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I do

60. Have you ever had your heart broken?

I have

61. Do you like to cuddle/snuggle?

I do

62. Is there anyone you wish you could be spending your time with right now?

Always

63. What does the second text in your inbox say?

My inbox confuses me

64. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?

Not really

65. Is your life anything like it was a year ago?

Not at all anything remotely similar

66. This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yes

67. You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it?

Tea

68. Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?

Yes

69. What is the last thing you said out loud?

Bye

70. Will this year be better than last?

Probably

71. Do you have friends you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell anyone else?

Yes

72. What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Turned off my light

73. What can't you wait for?

Tomorrow

74. Have you ever told anyone you would marry them?

Yes

75. What's the worst way to say "I love you"?

By not saying it

76. Seven days from now will you be in a relationship?

I think so.

77. Are you mad about anything?

78. What is the last thing you got in trouble for with your parents?

Its been way to long for that trouble thing

79. Are you mean?

Thats what I hear

80. Were you happy when you woke up today?

Yeah

2010-08-08T00:13:00.002-04:00

I am not what I was before. I am full perhaps, or far too empty. I am thoughtless. I am collapsed on a porch, hanging over a railing, and spitting out my quality onto rose petals fallen from a bush that died from too many thorns. I don't want quality or quantity, I am instead at home with mediocrity. I spent a lifetime trying to fill up the empty corners of living rooms, filling the empty space on desks with piles and piles of words that never really meant anything. With 40,000 years of human vocabulary under our belts we stick with the words PEACE and WAR because we don't believe that anything else ever matters anymore. We don't know times of PEACE and we're sick of times of WAR, but if the WAR turned to PEACE then everyone would get bored. We are shaped like the wind, the human race. We can't sit still and we never end. We are microscopic tabloids whispering theories into the ears of others and shaking tree branches when the world becomes too still. Stability is shunned, but embracing change is against our will. We have seen enough, we have been enough, we have done enough. My head is full

Laughing out Loud

2010-07-20T00:35:00.003-04:00

I write because my parents never taught me proper coping mechanisms. They assumed that I would be okay dealing with piles and piles of inner and external turmoil. I think they didn't like asking if I was okay because they didn't want to hear the answer, which would have been no.

I write because I wonder who you are today. You are a different person each time we meet, and I can't bring myself to ask you why. I think I might understand, and sometimes, it makes me upset. Instead of asking, I write letters to you, and I never tell you about them. I'd rather you be happy than think you are alone.

I write because I feel uncomfortable when I look at the past, but I do so very often. I have moved on, forgiven and accepted, but have not yet forgotten. I feel sad and a bit hollow when I look at the things that I never should have seen, but I do it. A form of self induced suffering. Everyone enjoys a bit of suffering, especially when it is controlled. I make myself look at what I have already survived in order to face what is yet to come. Maybe it helps, but maybe it doesn't.

I write because of words, because of letters, because of sounds. I write because language makes sense but is creative and surprising all at once. It always makes sense, connects, flows, and is what everything is striving to be. It is always creative and unique, telling the story of something that no one knows. It is science and it is fiction. Language is whole. It is beautiful to both see and hear. Language fills up empty space.

I write because I don't know of anything else as powerful to do.

Except for laugh.

18

2010-07-14T18:04:00.003-04:00

18 year ago, I came into the world. I took a breath, I opened my eyes, I cried.

19 years ago, I didn't exist.

18 years ago, I was. I was an entity. I began taking up space. I had a heartbeat and fingers and toenails. My parents were happy that I was, I think. I like to think that they were happy that I began being. Sometimes I wonder what they really think.

18 years of living have passed me, have settled into the corners of my brain. Memories sit within it, collecting dust, or are beginning to wear out from being overplayed. What will be left of them 18 years from now? Will they have settled? Will I have let them go? Will I have forgiven them or forgotten them? Will I have thrown them away to make more space?

3 years ago, I was not who I am now. I didn't know anything. I was the shell of a person, the idea of what someone should be, but I was never really anything. 3 years from now, where will I be? I will not be who I am now. I will look back on 18 year old me and say, "You fool, you don't know anything."

I have 18 years today, and I am tired of sitting and idly watching the world pass me by. In the next 18 years, I want to make a difference. I want to be a part of the commotion, I want to jump in and make a change. I want to help, I want to be a piece of something. I want to feel proud of my accomplishments. I want to look back on 36 years of life and say, "Okay, I've done something". I want to learn what it is to be content.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday dear Andrea.

Happy birthday to me.

I wonder Who I Will Be

2010-07-05T02:08:00.002-04:00

What are you listening to at the moment?
Grace Potter

How many pillows do you sleep with?
2!

What is currently pissing you off?
i dont know what to do with the copious amounts of CDs withough cases hanging out on my bedroom flor

Do you think your neighbors are creepy?
one of them, yeah, he's a big old creeper

Do you have any friends who aren't complete potheads?
of course

Do you get along with guys?
for the most part

Can you have more than one best friend?
chyeah

The last person who hurt you apologizes, do you accept?
probably. i dont know who hurt me recently, but i tend to not hold grudges very wel

Anyone or anything in particular make your day better today?
dylan not fulfilling what my dream predicted. and marie's little outfit she made out of the tablecloth

When you're really upset, what do you do?
cacacacaCry. and write, and yell

Are you happier now or four months ago?
i dont know. its complicated really.

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to?
stephanie

Describe how you feel right now in one word?
tired

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough?
of course

Does anybody show up at your house without notice to chill?
yeah

Where is your Mother?
sleeping

Where is your Father?
i have no idea!

What is the closest orange object to you?
absolutely nothing

Have you sneezed in the past hour?
i dont believe i have

How many books are in your room?
way too many. they take over my life

Are you scared about the end of the world?
no way

Is there a TV in the room you are in?
indeed

What other language do you want to be fluent in?
sign language...if that doesnt count then french

Do you crack your neck often?
far too much

Is it possible to lick your elbow?
not for me!

Worst feeling in the world?
uncovering that everything EVERYTHING is a lie

Do you like to use post-it notes?
i do!

Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
nooo. if i spent the time to cut them, i would use them

Do you always smile for pictures?
nope

Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
yes i do

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for halloween?
weird shit....rudolph, a christmas tree, a care bear, minnie mouse...weird shit

Are you stubborn?
sometimes

Ever watch soap operas?
nah bra

Afraid of heights?
to an extent, yes. i get a terrible feeling in my feet that i try to avoid at all costs

Take a vitamin daily?
i used to!

What do you wear to bed?
a big cozy tee shirt

Nike or Adidas?
neither

Do you prefer movies at home or movies at the theater?
mostly at home i suppose for my bank accounts sake

Do you take a shower in the morning or the night before?
night time usually. but in the summer day

Are you stressed about anything?
eh. a little. its confusing

Skinny, flared, ripped, or faded jeans?
uh whatever really

What are you excited for?
life

Have you ever had braces?
chyeah

Do those girls with 1,000 friends on Facebook REALLY have that many?
maybe. some poeple are really popular

Do you have any foreign exchange students at your school?
well....i guess

Is your handwriting nice?

not at all

What do you want to be when you're older?
happy

When did you learn the ninja turtles were named after Renaissance artists?
welll. i guess i realized just now

The last person you kissed, do they love you?
i like to believe so

Have you spoke to any of your ex's today?
yess i have

Do you know what your name would have been if you were opposite sex?
david

Do you have any twins in your family?
my grandfather was a twin

Have you ever talked on the phone in the shower/ bathtub?
no i dont think that i have

Do you just want to yell in someone's face right now?
no. i dont

Was today a good day?

it was

Has this week been a good one?
it has

What were you doing at midnight last night?
hanging with my buddies

Did anything "cute" happen today?

uh...i dont really know what that means

Have you ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyed person?
ummm i dont believe so. im not really into blondes

Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette?
i have

Would you lie to the police if it would save your best friend's life?
depends on why i had to lie

Last reason you cried?
too much of everything

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
sleeping

What were you doing at 4am?
going to sleep

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
no, i cant. but they arent tooo bumpy

Are promises important to you?
very

Are you a jealous person?
no. at lest...i dont know. no.

Are you in a good mood?
yeah. just really tired

Have you ever called a bf/gf by another girl/guys name?
hehe yes

Have you ever dated someone more than once?
sort of..ish

Has anyone ever called you a whore?
probably

Is the last person you kissed black?
no, but that would be cool!

Whats the last song you sang?
i am the eggman, i am the walrus.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
of course i would. i dont go around holding hands with just anybody

Do you have feelings for someone?
i have so many feelings

If someone said, "I don't talk shit about people," would you believe them?
sure, some people are good

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
umm...it will be immensely complicated three months from now

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
they might, but it doesnt bother me much.

Is there someone who you instantly smile when you talk to them?
i dont know.

Do you have a Formspring?
i dont use it

If you had a plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go?
New Zealand. please

Where are you right now?
on la couch

Is anything bothering you?
my tired eyes

Are you trying to avoid liking/loving somebody at the moment?
never

Is there someone that you miss right now?
always

When was the last time you wore jeans?
yesterday

Do you hate the first person you fell hardest for?
of course not. i wouldnt be me without him

Will you be up before 7am tomorrow?
i pray not

When you cry, do your eyes change colors?
...no?

Does your middle name begin with a A, M, or S?
it does!

Have you ever got a D or F on your report card?
i have not!

What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
more

After breaking up, whats worse; knowing you still care about them or pretending you hate them?
not being able to say goodnight to them

Where is the one boy/girl you want to see the most right now?
france

Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
of course not

How many piercings/..tattoos do you have?
my ears are pierced!

If the last person you kissed arrived at your house at 3am what would you do?
love it

Have you made a mistake in the past week?
i am always making mistakes

If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted mansion, would you?
sure

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
i sure can

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?
hehe not particularly

If you were getting married, who would be your maid of honor?
AJ

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
i do!

If your ex said they hate you, you say?
thats a bummer

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
sleeping i suppose

Can you play guitar hero?
not well

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
seasons

2010-07-03T04:31:00.002-04:00

I met a man in the street who looked as if

Ron Howard

and Oprah had had a son.

He confused me, told me he was tame

as he ran up the sides of buildings

wearing a costume

much too young for his size.

He reached the top,

and from a far away balcony

he yelled down to me,

"Still at large".

2010-06-22T01:15:00.002-04:00

Ghosts are the living memories that haunt your daily walk-abouts. Ghosts are what you run away from, turn away from, hide your face from. Ghosts are everything that exist that you are afraid to see. Ghosts are people and the places where car crashes have taken place, ghosts are liquor stores, bars, hotel rooms, movie theaters, books and photographs. Ghosts are bed sheets and bras and pillow cases. Ghosts are text-messages, voice mails and missed calls. Ghosts are phone bills. Ghosts are carnival grounds and fishing poles and shades of lipstick that are no longer worn. Ghosts are scents of perfume. Ghosts are the living memories that haunt your daily walk-abouts. Ghosts are reminders of living in the past.

2010-06-21T00:08:00.002-04:00

Everything is boring me, except for my dreams, and I hate going to sleep.

Everything is boring me but I hate to go to sleep.

2010

2010-06-14T01:13:00.005-04:00

To be nowhere is to fall in-love. To sit silently covered in day break, watching as everything disappears, is to be in-love. To stop counting backwards as the universe unfolds is to understand what love in the moment, love, is. When everything is on me, all over me, around me, I can feel the moment standing underneath of me, watching me hold my love.

I am the morning, the evening, the moon contorting the waves. I am what I promised I would be. I found love within honesty, within trust and promising to be everything I was willing to be. I was able to move across the world and hold onto my own, sit with myself inside my home. I was able to see everything, and share it with my love. I was not remote-controlling the movement of my sea, but allowing it to carry me. With it ever cradling, rocking me, I felt love in my love.

I quit sleeping; I instead find peace in drinking water, in holding hands and in writing letters. I would almost rather listen to my keyboard than a song.

Close call. I create because I can, because I am. I create because I don't need to sleep to fall in-love. I create because I am human, I am no special breed of thing. I am a part of language and a part of my words. I am a piece of a soul that is a piece of a soul that when whole creates, just like me.

Congratulations Andrea.

Sincerely,

Me.

2010-06-13T01:35:00.001-04:00

I poison myself daily.

Acknowledge it.

Poison myself again.

Why do we enjoy feeling like we're dying?

2010-06-02T23:35:00.005-04:00

i dont care if you dont believe it, but you are just like the rest of us. a big cluster fuck of protons swimming around each other trying to trick us into believing that they are not God. but they are.

Thunder Storms

2010-05-28T00:59:00.003-04:00

I find comfort in the space between the floorboards, that something so sturdy, so solid, has cracks. I find comfort hiding in your arms. I can hear thunder. I can hear rain.I can hear the world falling apart outside, the world tumbling down, landing on the roof, threatening to break in and steal everything we struggled for so long to obtain. I am at ease. I am in a moment. I am in a now and you allowed me to breathe. I can feel the sheets twisted around me, bunching up, coming apart. This bed was not built for two, but I moved over and made room for you. You keep me safe in this storm. God turns on his flashlight for a moment. The batteries fail. He tries over and over again. I can hear His frustrations. You calm me as a I cringe away from His wrath.

I never believed that I was afraid until I knew what it was like to feel safe. Wrapped up in bed sheets, the world is my oyster and I'm taking small bites. I want to savor each moment before the pearl. It always passes too soon.

You breathe in, out, in, out, you sigh. I am a child within your arms. I am at ease.

2010-05-21T18:49:00.003-04:00

People never change, do they? I'll never change, will I? I will always be this absolutely insane, self-conscious, messy little girl. I don't have a chance. This world is going to eat me up, take me over, suck me in, consume me, and I don't have a chance, not a hope against it. What am I to do? I'll be here wearing these jeans on this computer on this blanket in this yard for the rest of eternity, as least as long as I can live. All I'll ever hear is voices that make me never want to hear again, I'll see things that make me uncomfortable, make me want to be consumed. I will be forever unsatisfied, and what am I to do?

I will be different, staying exactly the same. I will look the same be the same act the same.SAY THE SAME THINGS over and over until I lose my voice. It does not take enough to put me over the edge.

I found you, you don't have to find me.

Breathe repeatedly.

Continue to be.

cherry blossom weekend

2010-05-13T21:50:00.006-04:00

swallow my identity. humanity. serenity.

eternity isn't so far away.

remind me of my memories. discoveries. enemies.

the mind is only a machine.

if everything was framed, held solid, and tamed

movement wouldn't hold our attention.

dance would be a moment, constant stable, torment

a never ending, almost-embrace.

grace would be a possible, improbable, idea of history.

change would be a fable for the kids.

if i believed in forever, constant, together

i wouldn't focus on the past.

i would never shut my eyes, imagine, disguise

desire as simply looking back.

i wouldn't have to pretend, memorize, defend

as everything would be just as it was.

i can not identify

with anything

other than the ink on your clothing,

the ink on your skin.

i was the authority,

i found happiness within.

2010-05-01T01:55:00.003-04:00

I won't stop talking about myself, but I won't stop listening when you need a little bitchin time. Isn't that what friends are for?

2010-04-28T23:16:00.002-04:00

I am not a woman. I do not wear makeup or flaunt my chest. I do not paint my nails.

I am not a woman. I do not dedicate to myself to one man who dictates how I live and what I wear. I enjoy touching whoever I like.

I am not a woman. I find sex enjoyable and do not cover my body when I am nude.

I am not a woman. I am not afraid to look like a fool in front of a crowd, I do not watch Gray's Anatomy, and I never swooned over Zac Effron.

I am not a woman. I am afraid of being in love. I have extreme issues with commitment.

I am not a woman. I do not read tabloids or care about celebrity children.

I am not a woman. I do not have low self esteem, and I don't know how to do laundry.

I am not a woman. I do not want to tear you down.

2010-04-26T20:09:00.003-04:00

something inside crackles. something inside shakes
when the world gets in the way.
something inside burns
you can hear it you can feel it
keeping you always on edge
wondering when the house will catch on fire.
i wasn't born the way i became
i was born solid,
i couldn't move through walls.
I Have Changed.
Nothing else ever happened
The whole time we sat with our legs crossed
our arms folded neatly across our heads
i didn't change anything but slowly became you.
i only jumped off the bridge because my mother asked me to.
it isn't my fault you followed suit.
i started losing sight of when i was separate from you
our insides caught on fire
and melted us together,
like two candlesticks sharing one flame.
i wasn't inlove with insanity until normalcy left me bored.
it isn't my fault you went insane just to fulfill my desire.
you lit me on fire.
i burned
and burned the house down.
we all caught on fire.
it isn't my fault you followed suit.

No one cares.

2010-04-13T21:31:00.002-04:00

How late did you stay up last night and why?
around one in the a.m. because i was reading and disappointing myself

What's the relationship between you and the last person you texted?
he's my lovin muffin

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
it continues to shock me every day

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
my dear friend nikki

Last person to send you a myspace message?
ooh some stranger danger probably, but i really don't know

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
the same one i have slept in for the past 15 years

Have you hugged anyone in the last week?
why yes i have

Do you miss anyone?
i miss everyone. literally. currently i m ridiculously alone

What does your 8th text message say?
Mhm :). we weren't sexting i swear

What are you excited about?
getting out of town

Plans for tonight?
play my little mandolin and read a book that makes me hate myself

What are you doing tomorrow?
driving. going to mother's house. driving. going to school. going to rehearsal. driving. going to work. driving. going to mother's house.

Do you like to cuddle?
if i like the person i'm cuddling with! and if they don't smell bad!

What are your plans for the next weekend?
heading to philadelphia. eating at max brenners. going to a party. heading to brooklyn. seeing my future place of education. heading to manhattan. seeing HAIRR!!!! heading to philadelphia. heading home.

Did you ever lose a friend?
thats like asking if i ever lost a fish. of course i have

What are you doing right now?
doing this. and nothing else.

What is the background on your phone?
a very happy, yet caged, lion

What's the last thing you had to drink?
tea! but it tasted like a strange assortment of spices

What was the last thing you ate?
donuts!

Ever go camping?
yes i love it with all my heart. i plan on living while camping when i grow up...if you know what i mean

Are you someone's best friend?
i believe that i am

Do you have a dog?
not anymore

Do you like birds?
some of them yes

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
high school! and that i am not watching glee

Have you spoken to your mother today?
why yes for a few minutes

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
ummmmmmmmmm friday?

Are you happy?
i am not.

Where were you an hour ago?
same place i am now. sort of.

Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
my izears. im extremely normal looking.

Do you drink water?
i do drink water

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
the very end of one. it scares me terribly.

Does anyone love you?
i believe so.

Do you fall for people easily?
no not at all

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
well. no. i do not care how most people think of me

What are you wearing?
pants shirt bra undies!

Do you remember your dreams?
most of them i do

Do you have any text messages saved on your phone?
why yes i do

Where was your default pic taken?
ra ra deep creek lake ra ra

What is your current mood?
going insane

What's your favorite color?
green! and red! i really dig those christmas decorations

If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
i would forget to forgive people so damn easily

Do you have a crazy side?
i don't have an un-crazy side. its a problem sometimes

Ever had a near-death experience?
not really no

Some things you do a lot?
sing

Angry at anyone?
no. not really.

What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
space and time

When is the last time you cried?
almost today. but i saved it.

Who would you do anything for?
my sister

What kind of phone do you have?
chocolate 3

Are you happy with your life?
not really. sort of.

2010-04-03T22:59:00.003-04:00

I think that my children will be cooler than I am.
I like the way that feels.

2010-04-03T22:19:00.002-04:00

I wish I had genius inspiration growing from my bones. Like, inside my bones, if instead of marrow I had inspiration, I would find it much easier to breathe.
Sometime, I don't like looking at or listening to really beautiful things because they make me want. They make me want to be within them, surrounded by them, a part of them. They make me want my life to be the sounds the words the images the colors. They make me want to melt into the sun and wake up only when I am satisfied with living outside of the picture book.
I was not born an octopus, with eight legs made for running and skipping and swimming and spitting ink in people's eyes, even though squids do that. I was not born a colossal squid, with giant eyeballs and the ability to live in the deepest depths of the ocean, with hooks on my limbs and a beak hidden somewhere beneath them all.
I was not born with the biggest eyeballs in the universe.
All good things come from New Zealand.
Was I alive in the 1920's? Was I a flapper with a dress that zig-zagged from side to side and made men notice me singing from a picture on the wall. Was I a model in the 1920's wearing long skirts and hats that fit better than they could today?
Did I witness the first man on the moon?

2010-03-29T21:21:00.002-04:00

I keep an manila envelope of all the poems that I really love.
Today I added
"Mad Girl's Love Song" and "Mushrooms" by Sylvia Plath
Thanks to Nellie Glover
Who told me what to read.

I Wish These Things Were All Made Up

2010-03-28T22:27:00.003-04:00

Once, I found a rotting deer in my pond. It looked like it was running; like it had died mid stride trying to escape; like quicksand had caught it and kept it and stunned it so it didn't have the chance to move. I could see where it was rotting. I wish I had closed my eyes and ran away, but I didn't. I stopped and stared. It was one of those car crash sort of things; the sort of things that make you want to claw your eyes out and erase that moment from your memory, but you can't help but memorizing it some more.
I wish the world was less round. I wish there were less webs so that we couldn't possibly know anyone everywhere. We know someone, everywhere. Someone knows someone, everywhere in the world.
I am reverting back to childlike behaviors, to comfort and to places where I knew I could sleep and could wake up and have the same day I had before and love every last moment of it. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I suppose I am trying to find that old familiar feeling, to find a hug in which I feel comfortable and soothed.
Yesterday was a day full of ghosts. I saw people that had once been in my life but are not in it anymore. Isn't that what a ghost is? A shadow and a memory finding you in the present and reminding you of how everything used to be?
I cut bangs into my hair because I thought they looked good. I wore Ray Bans because I thought they looked cool. I smoked a cigarette because I thought it was a fun thing to do with my best friends.
I didn't know anything.
I waited for all the wrong things. I gave away all the wrong things. Everyone has something of me.
I shot my heart two weeks ago. I took a needle and shoved it into my hear and made it stop beating and I gave away for someone to toss into the mud. I don't know what I was thinking.
My sister has become a ghost. My big best sister is a ghost and when she is apparent it is unfamiliar and strange, like a dream I have of things I never really knew.
I wish I was punk or something. Or something, because I am not anything. I always wanted to be a wolf. To be a wolf and wear glasses and drink scotch and fine wine.
I always wanted to be able to sleep.

2010-03-09T21:19:00.002-05:00

Every day things feel a little less familiar.
Every day I want to leave something else that I know behind.
Every day I make the decision to shut up, close my eyes, suck it up, ignore it, regret it, push it aside, linger a moment longer on everything that means nothing to me.
Every day I wish I knew someone that I don't know.
Every day I wish I didn't know someone that I know.
Every day I forget who I am, what country I'm from, what I believe in.
Every day I lie to the world a little more.
Every day I get longer, stretching and growing until one day I will snap.
Every day I want less and less but I need more and more.
Every day my eyes grow darker and my skin grows thinner.
Every day I lose something important to me.
Every day I find something new to be grateful for.
Every day things fall apart and every day we put them back together.

2010-03-02T22:22:00.001-05:00

Does the internet make us all feel a bit more connected
Or a bit farther apart?

Boy, I sure do sound like a pessimist.

2010-03-01T19:25:00.004-05:00

Are you starting to gain feelings towards anyone?
gain awful, terrible feelings towards people

Is anyone overprotective of you?
I am a small child. Everyone is over protective of me.

What's your current problem?
I am still in Maryland, stranded, frustrated, angry.

Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
I sleep with a rabbit who says goodnight to the moon.

Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
I drink soda.

If the person who hurt you most told you they were sorry would you believe them?
No one means it.
Everyone means it.

Do a lot of people understand you completely?
Maybe one human being. But probably not even her.

Has anyone ever said they wanted to marry you?
Yes.
On Halloween.
Outside.
Somewhere beautiful and green.

Do you think this year is better than the last?
Yes.
Graduation, college, being 18.
Yes.

Where were you at 9:00pm, last night?
Home with a million other people.

You're single, right?
I am not single.
I am single.
I have a man.

Excited for anything?
Heading off to Chicago. Escaping this place for a few days.

When will your next kiss be?
Probably tomorrow or the next day or the next.

You never know what you got until you lose it - true or false?
Pretty goddamn fucking true.
Life is one giant bummer after another isnt it.

Have you ever been attracted to someone's parent?
Yes. Oddly enough yes.

Do you think you've changed over the past year?
I am a blob, always morphing changing fitting in between the cracks.
I am not the same as I was yesterday.
I know more.
Have seen more.
Have changed.

Has more than one person ever told you they're in love with you?
Not all at the same time now.
I'm so young.
What do I know about love?

Who was the first person to wish you a happy birthday, this year?
Last year? I believe it was Seth randomly enough.
This year, hopefully Canada.

Can you honestly say that you're okay, right now?
No. I can not. And I can not tell a lie.
There is something weighing on my chest.
It makes it hard to breathe.

Do you plan on sleeping in, tomorrow?
I plan on waking up.

Is it hard to make you laugh?
Depends. I find myself hilarious. Other people, not so much.

Are you doing anything tomorrow?
Waking up. Driving too far. Going to school. Staying at school for rehearsal. Going to a lady's house. Going to my house. Writing an essay. Packing my clothes.

Ever liked someone who treated you wrong?
Everyone's treating everyone wrong.

What kind of shoes did you wear, today?
Black ones. The kind I don't wear socks with.

Where did you buy the shirt you are wearing?
The Christmas tree gave it to me.

Do you like hugs?
It depends. Not group hugs. They make me cringe hard core.

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
Depends on the human that it is.

Something you really want, right now?
Music filling me to the brim.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone?
I always like someone.

Do you watch the Super Bowl?
I did a little bit. At work and over margaritas.

What is your middle name?
Marie. I am an individual.

Do you have your future children's names picked out?
I wanted A Trinity. We watched the matrix too much.
I want a son named Sue so that I can sing him that song all day long.

How many cars can fit in your driveway?
35? Just a guesstimate.

Who was your Kindergarden teacher?
Mrs. Gham.

Are you taller than your Mom?
We are very equal.

Do you have any bruises, right now?
I bruise easily.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant, right now?
Yes. I do.

What brand are your favorite jeans you own?
Khols? I dont remember. They just fit pretty nice.

What is the closest red object to you?
some nobs on this sound shit.

Do you play games on your cellphone?
Used to. Then Tetris was stolen from me. So now, no.

Do you look more like your Mom or Dad?
Mother darling.

Have you ever broken a piñata?
I think I have.

Do you have an iPod or MP3 player?
I do. But I need a replacement.

Do you lose your keys often?
No.

When was your last encounter with the police?
One came into Dunkin Donuts when I was in there yesterday.

Do you sing in the shower?
I sing everywhere.
People get annoyed by it.

2010-02-27T03:22:00.001-05:00

I have had enough nightmares
This week
To last a lifetime.
Are nightmares
The same thing
As dreams?

2010-02-22T19:52:00.002-05:00

This I have discovered:
Life is an egg.
Feel free to hard boil it.
Crack it open and scramble it.
Fry it.
Make an egg sandwich out of it.
But don't forget you could always have
Easy Over
or
Sunny Side Up.

Who Are We

2010-02-21T20:54:00.006-05:00

Once upon a time I looked like my sister, like my mother, like my father. We all smiled the same, cocked our heads, had a dimple or two. Once upon a time, we could speak.
I waited to feel the wind kiss me and tell me I was older, grown tall like they always said I would. I was always waiting for the roof to cave in so that I wouldn't have to be here any longer. Make the roof cave in, I'll live outside. I will sleep with crickets beneath stars, and when it rains, I will embrace the fact that God created the Water Cycle and the Universe created God. I have always been a tad bit dyslexic and mixed up who made the chicken and who made the egg.
Once upon a time, I found cream cheese despicable unless it was pink. They said it was flavored with strawberries, but looking back it tasted nothing but sweetened cream cheese. I used to have a real hankering for sweet things. Now, a grape fruit will do.
When I grow up, I want to be a nomad, a poet, and a musician. I always had trouble agreeing with the other kids. I see life through a telescope. They see life through a sheet of wax paper. Only the paper itself is what they see clear.
Recently, I realized what makes me so strange. Not strange. Unique? Everyone is unique. Recently, I realized what makes me me.
I am ridiculously depressed yet absolutely adore being alive. Every feeling that I feel contradicts another, every thought that I think contradicts a different one at the exact same time. I make terribly little sense.
But so does the rest of the world.

2010-02-20T16:14:00.003-05:00

He has grown calm
And reverts back to curiousness again,
As if he were a kitten.
He is passed the highest point of the arch
And slowly growing young
Going backwards
To complete the circle of life.
His hips are going,
He is having trouble walking.
How I wish I could carve him a cane
Out of the bark of my Birth Tree
And filled with catnip and cantaloupe
So he can always have a few of his favorite things.
He can not leave me.

He Can Not Leave Me.
Wait it out.
Fourteen years isn't quite long enough to know someone.
Do not.
He has grown dirty and adorable, too tired to bathe.
It makes him look supremely adorable.
Wait it out.
Just a few more months.
Or years.
Or lifetimes.
Wait it out.

No, I am not a good cook.

2010-02-10T18:56:00.006-05:00

But today I made yummy yellow cupcakes from scratch and homemade chocolate icing. They taste shockingly good. I also made a healthfully delicious salad including some of my favorite things: Caesar dressing, apples, carrots, onions, onions, and some more onions. I am an onion addict. Its really strange and probably unattractive, but they smell so damn good. I guess its equally strange that I find the scent of onions so appealing. I just can't help it.
The world is being such a ridiculous place to be right now, what with the miles and miles of snow. I was walking through a few areas up to my waist.
Yes, I am sick of being home and thanking my lucky stars I have not yet murdered myself or my mother, but it has made me realize how much better I feel when creating. I made plenty of food, created paths through the snow, and began writing a story.Writing really does soothe my bones when they start itching.
Today, I have witnessed some of the most incredible icicles that I have ever seen.
I wish my photography skills could do them justice.
The coolest things though are the spider webs covered in ice and snow.
They are ridiculously beautiful clinging to the corners of our windows.

2010-02-10T00:46:00.001-05:00

Im getting worse and worse at everything I love doing and I leave everything unfinished. I believe its the whole being stranded inside thing. Fresh air really brings out my thoughts.

2010-02-07T14:46:00.002-05:00

I am not a whole in the ground,
dug by a boy with a snow shovel and a small dog searching for lava.
I am not a better idea than a volcano.
I am nothing that I ever pretended to be.
But I am everything that I ever pretended to be.

2010-02-01T22:33:00.002-05:00

Too much love not to share it. Not enough love not to appreciate it.
What if I grow old with snow men by my side
Waiting to melt away
Float away
Run away
Or die.
A bleeding heart with nothing but
Nonsense by my side.
A Jack-o-lantern to call my best friend.
If you could understand the pieces, hold them in your
Hand and prevent them from slipping away
Falling away
Getting away
Would we be put back together to smile
To laugh and to remember lightning bugs sitting on our hair swimming through the air.
It wasn't so taboo to hold your hand.
To fall in love to breathe to understand.
Whatever you were aiming for
You missed.
Life was brighter.
You win.

2010-01-30T21:32:00.003-05:00

I do not remember when my mother stopped reading me bedtime stories. I suppose it was when I learned to read them myself. One day I was looking at life upside-down and backwards, listening to words about a Prince being spat into my ear. The next day I could see the world correctly and told myself about the Rose he was in love with. One day, an Engine could. The next day, I could. I guess we could relate to each other. If I ever felt full, complete and whole, it was a time when I was young.
I wish I better remembered being a wild thing.

First Silly Blogging Experience of 2010

2010-01-03T01:23:00.003-05:00

Were your last 5 kisses from the same person?
wi wi

What are you doing today?
well today being today, sleep.
today being tomorrow, go to wrok!

What is the date?
the 2nd
or the third

What did you do last night?
salepppt. and cleaned my room

The last song you listened to?
some silly country tune about an american girl dall

If you could pack your bags right now and were given a plane ticket, where would you go?
the location on the ticket

Who do you trust with your life?
my father

Have you ever made someone your everything?
no. he's a lot of things, but not everything

Longest relationship?
one year and eight days

Do you trust all of your friends?
no no

Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
eventually. in my older days. not now

Have you ever talked on the phone while in the shower?
No!

The person you like runs up and kisses you, your reaction?
hellooooo beautiful

Do you regret doing anything you've done this week?
oh no.
maybe right now.
and one other thing.
so yes.

Is there anyone you wish you could be spending time with right now?
oh yeeeah. but not really, id rather sleep

Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?
ze museum of animals?

How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?
nunca

Will next Friday be a good one?
od courseeee

Do you think age matters in a relationship?
a leetle bit. right now at least yes

What were you doing at 9:00 am?
sleeeeeping

Do you currently have a hickey?
hau hau, no.

Do you think the person you like is nice?
non

Has the last person you rode in a car with seen you in your undies?
wi wi

Do you ever think about the past?
yes ze past ees on my mind sometimes

Do you ever think about what 'could of been'?
wi wi.
but i am where i am supposed to be.

Last night you felt?
tiredddd

What are you wearing right now?
shizorts and a t

Do you want to see somebody right now?
not really

Who is in the room with you?
nada

What would happen if you were suddenly in bed with the last person who texted you?
it would be so hot

Are you afraid of falling in love?
no no.

Have you ever felt replaced?
everyonnee has

Do you treat others as you'd like to be treated?
sort ot

If you were 12 and you could see yourself now, would you be disappointed?
heh. no. i was predictable

Do you know your mothers birthday?
i believe so

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
yes

Who was the last person you hugged?
dirty samon

What's the last secret someone told you?
do not remembar

What are your plans for this coming weekend?
donnooo. sleep

What is your favorite color?
red & green tied

Do you like texting?
not really

Are you starting to realize anything?
loads of things

Can you remember the last time you really liked someone?
oh yeeah

Is there a girl that you would do absolutely anything and everything for?
yes

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?
yes

Do you have any text messages that you don't want other people reading?
no

Has anyone laid on your bed besides you?
yeeeah

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
yeeah

Do you hate anyone?
yes

Is there anyone you wish to fix things with?
not really. np.

Here comes the deep stuff, are you ready?
wiwi

Do you really know how heartbreak feels?
yes. in many ways

The person you like now, do they feel the same?
i believe so

Could you forgive someone who slept with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
probably. depending.

Do you tend to hold things against people?
no

Anything bothering you right now?
my chipchapped lips

Are all girls bitchy?
many.

Do you break promises to people?
no.

Original questions, ready?
hehe

Without saying names, whats one thing about the last person you kissed?
he's a jolly white giant

Don't tell me lies, have you been under the influence in the past 24 hours?
hehe

You open the door and it's Lil Wayne you:
oh sheeit you late son of a gun

Do you ever think about what went wrong in your last relationship?
no no. i understand.

Who is the next person you will kiss?
a silly willy milly

Who were you last in a car with?
dirty samchez and nikki

Who was the last person you physically hit?
jashua id guess

Do you remember your very first kiss?
yes

Do you think things will change in the next few months?
yes

Were you single on your last birthday?
nono

Last person you kissed on the lips said that you were the only one they wanted,would you believe them?
wiwi

What song are you currently listening to?
my sniffly nose and fingertips...

What is your opinion on late night phone calls?
certainly if i aint sleeping.

Have you cried this past week?
wiwi

Have you told anybody you loved them today and meant it?
yes!

Has the last person you kissed ever hurt you?
yes!

Say your ex walks up to you and hugs you, what do you say?
hi!!! how are you

If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else right now do you think they'd be mad?
yeah. but whatever

Who was the last person to touch your stomach?
jishyy jash

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
wiwi

What is your favorite thing about being sick?
i am. and it is oppositeee of fun

How many people can you trust with just about everything?
three

Where is the one boy/girl you want to see the most right now?
saleeping.

Do you think two people can last forever?
yes

Last time you laughed super hard? And why?
todiday

Think back to September, were you in a relationship?
wiwiw

Would it be weird if the last person you kissed called you?
nono

Do you currently have a hickey, if so where?
no...did i answer this already?

Will you regret your next kiss?
nono

The person you have the strongest feelings for dies, do you care?
yes

Ever had a girl best friend?
yes

If Britney Spears came to your town, would you go see her concert?
i woul get that bitch to my party.

Who was the last person to leave you a comment?
shelley shelley

Would you prefer being locked in a room with your ex or your worst enemy?
exxxx. he's a dear

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
flyyy

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
wiwi

Someone says to you now, "lets go to a party and get trashed!" you say?
hehe. im tired

If you had to sleep with one of your teachers from high school, who would it be?
fruendel.

The first person on your friends list just called you an asshole. What do you have to say to them?
silly gay kid

When you buy something and your change is 2 cents, do you keep it or tell the cashier to keep it?
keep usually. unless theres a tip jar

Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?
nono

Do you wear a name tag at work?
oh that'd be cool

What is in your pocket?
no pocket

You never know what you got until you lose it? True or false?
both

Does it bother you when people fight in front of you?
not really. i giggle. serious things make me laugh

Has anyone made you feel like crap lately for something you did?
wiwi

Have you kissed someone in '09 that means a lot to you?
tis over. but yes, there was

Do you know a guy named David?
wiwi.
my love.

Are you nice to everyone?
no

How's your life lately?
really lovely.
slow.

Does your mom like the last person you kissed?
i believe she does

Is it uncomfortable staring into the eyes of someone who likes you and you like back?
no way jiggly puff

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
yess

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
yesss

Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?
no. i giggly

Do you reply to all of your texts?
sometimes. not really though.

In Need of Some Writings and Some Nonsence.

2010-01-01T23:13:00.003-05:00

I have fallen completely head-over-heels in love with my boyfriend, and have just come to realize it for the first time. It is a fantastic and a terrifying feeling. I want to leave in 8 months more than anything. I want to stay with him for eternity more than anything. I am a naive 17 year old girl and don't know how else to feel. I hope some day I am old and read this and laugh at how silly I was. I will laugh because I will be with this boy or I will not be with this boy, and either way I will be where I am supposed to be, and this 17 year old me will seem so very silly.
I miss the old boy and look forward to new boys. I miss the old days and look forward to new days. I miss my old t-shirts and I look forward to new ones. I miss spirit weeks and I look forward to a college that most likely does not have a football team. I miss playing flashlight tag on late summer nights and I look forward to one day watching my children play. I miss my sister and I look forward to discovering who she is. I miss old years and I look forward to new years.
I could look forever at meaningless things: smiling faces of people I have never met, purses and shoes I could never afford, lost puppies I could never save. I could look forever in the mirror, examining my face and understanding the circles under my eyes. I really could lay in his arms forever (this love, even though it is my own, has just made me cry a little, happiness is a wonderful thing). I could look forever at a shoebox of the world, holding every little secret and every sacred thing.
I have faith in the human race. We are all going somewhere, and many know where they are going. To many, it is an adventure. My path is a mix of the two; I have ideas but I hope the universe throws in a few twists. If it sticks to my story I am bound to get bored.
This, the first day of 2010, the year I graduate high school, the year I turn 18, the year I move away from home, is just about over.
Here is my resolution:
To find the place I want to be, or at least be a step closer to the end.

Happy New Year

Happy Two Thirty in the Morning on Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T02:30:00.001-05:00

I am so in love with life right not. Its a wonderful feeling.
I want to share it with someone but most everyone I love is asleep.

2009-12-07T22:03:00.002-05:00

I wonder how so many people wound up here. They don't belong here. No one really belongs here. A few farmers and a few dogs. No men in suits or girls in white dresses. Don't they understand, they're bound to get grass stains. Don't they understand, these are supposed to be trees. This town breeds drugs. They grow in the ground and in sewage systems and under beds. Don't they understand, they should get out now while they still can! No one belongs here but grandfathers and corn fields and a deer from time to time. No men who work in office buildings. No girls with open legs. Don't they understand, they are bound to get their hearts broken. This town sucks the sleep right out of you. It keeps it for itself, its so damn tired all the time. In this town, you can't sleep. You just hide awake in the darkness with nothing to do but hope your plants grow soon. This town has no good cuisine. It was designed for homemade pumpkin pies and roast chicken. No men with catering services or girls making subs. Don't they understand, there is no market for that here. Don't they understand, it is not what we need. I wonder why they decided to end up here. It was a conscience choice. I was born into it and no am stuck. Don't they understand, they are free. Don't they understand, there is no room here. I wonder how so many people got here. They should have listened when we all screamed "Get out!"

Andrea Racine

2009-11-30T20:49:00.002-05:00

Andrea Racine is fly paper. She catches bugs that no one else likes and sticks them to herself. She never lets them go.

Andrea Racine is making fun of everything that she is. She is a human and a girl and goes to high school and goes to parties.

Andrea Racine has straight across bangs, wears scarves and Ray Bans.

Andrea Racine is scene. (what a rhyme)

Andrea Racine speaks in strange accents and speaks to her cat as if he were human.

Andrea Racine is proud of the statement above.

Andrea Racine gets on facebook at least once a day but she really, really shouldn't.

Andrea Racine says "I love you" quite often through text messages but, again, she really, really shouldn't.

Andrea Racine lives a life for show.

But at least the soundtrack is really good.

I Do Not Wear Ugg Boots

2009-11-27T15:23:00.005-05:00

Lets pretend that we are something bigger than what we are. We can think that everyone is watching us, even if they aren't. We could have been friends with great people. We could have known the world better than we do. Let us pretend. Let us pretend there are lions in the den, having dinner, having supper by the fire. They are lounging, holding hands and playing cards. They are free and as much like people as you or me. There is a rug, in the den by the fire, where lions lay and pretend to play, they roar. Calling to us, calling to us, they pretend to be in pain.
A ROAR.
And I am gone. In the belly of a beast. With you by my side, we were the feast. We could have been friends. Maybe, we could have been friends and gotten along. But you came along, you came along, and your life was wrong, we couldn't be friends. We could have, maybe, if you had had a brain. An idea. A thought? What exactly did you need? A pair of glasses and sunscreen? What did you need? How many times can you run around the circle, it looks the same. How many times can you pretend you aren't insane? You aren't insane. How many times can people humor you, pretend you are correct. Pretend.
It is all make believe.
You made me not believe, and I blame You. You made me not believe in anything. So thank you, I hate you, I'd gladly see you run away. I would feel better if you weren't in my life at all. I have barely even known you and its ruined. The lions took us away and it is ruined. Its thanks to you I can't believe. Am I fair to pass judgment on you? I don't even know you but you made me stop believing and I tried to get to know you and now I know I shouldn't have tried to get to know you because nothing good came from knowing you I just wanted to throw you out the window of that car.
Sorry. Let me try to breathe. It is a tight fit in the stomach of this beast.
You wear Ugg boots which seems so unlike you but if it makes you happy it is what you have to do.
Rewind, rewind, rewind.
No one wears Ugg boots.

Happy Thanksgiving.

2009-11-27T01:29:00.003-05:00

I just slept on my sister's shoulder for the majority of a two and a half hour movie.
There were no mashed potatoes this year.
My throat hurts, and one tonsil is swollen up to the size of Mt. Olympus.
My brain is having trouble thinking.
I had something really important to write, but I forget what it was.
Happy Thanksgiving.

I needed to talk about myself for a while.

2009-11-18T17:52:00.002-05:00

Is it awkward when you run into your ex's?
no. i like him a lot.

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you?
yes. but would i?

Are you comfortable answering all these personal questions?
who would i be hiding from?

Are there any relationships you wish could have lasted longer?
one. one. one.

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?
yes

What was the first thing you said when you woke up today?
good morning. i think

Who makes you happy?
i dont know these days.

Who was the last person to text you?
josh.

Do you regret doing something today?
i regret not doing something. and i regret feeling too much.

Are you open about your feelings or closed off?
both.

Held hands with anyone today?
a couple of gay kids

Have you kicked anybody today?
i dont know. i hope not

Who is in your house?
mom? i dont know. i havnt checked

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
yes

What are you currently hearing right now?
some wild music coming from the living room

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no.

What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
bullshit. then more bullshit. then probably some more.

Do you like hugs and kisses?
depends on whose doing the hugging and the kissing

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
reminds me of somethings.
i am bad at answering these questions

Did anything surprising happen today?
i guess not.

What exactly are you wearing now?
leggings. socks. a dress. a hair tie on my wrist

How often do you listen to music?
often

This time last year, who did you have feelings for?
the same person i do now...

If someone tells you some really juicy gossip right now, would you pass it on?
depends on whether or not i cared about the person it was about

What's one song you can't stop listening to right now?
the one by regina spektor that says "I had a dream, crispy crispy Benjamin Franklin came over, babysat all four of my kids"
i dont know what its called

Do you have an attic?
um. sort of

What was the last song you sang out loud?
the one by regina spektor that says "I had a dream, crispy crispy Benjamin Franklin came over, babysat all four of my kids"

Have you ever lived in the country before?
i suppose i do. the shitty part of country living

Do you remember names or faces better?
faces

Have you ever been in a tornado or hurricane?
the hurricane machine at the mall....
and miniature ones i suppose

Do you have any bookmarks in your internet browser? If so, how many?
yeah. some real old stuff

Have you ever seen any movie version of Romeo and Juliet?
all of them i believe

How old is the oldest person you know?
oh. good question.

Have you ever had braces?
yes. middle school sucked

Is there a TV show right now that you just can't miss an episode of?
desperate housewives. and glee.

Which love story would you want your life to turn out like?
the one that the prince has with his flower in le petit prince. that flower loves him. he loves that flower.

Would you ever name your child after someone famous?
if they had a sweet name.

Have you ever watched the show How I Met Your Mother?
maybe a few times. i was so surprised to hear that guys gay

Has anything happened to you in the past month that's made you sad?
too much has made me sad

Are you a patient person?
sometimes

Do you have a favorite song?
i. dont. know.

How often do you sleep in?
not often enough

Do you like being in pictures?
i suppose so.

Are promises important to you?
extremely

When is your birthday?
july 14

Does someone like you right now?
i guess someone does

What does the 15th message in your inbox say?
Lol.

Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours, and almost got in?
yeah

How many radio stations do you listen to?
none really. sometimes towsons

When was the last time you were in a car with someone besides family?
uh. monday?

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
yes

What's your opinion on pot?
it is a plant that grows. it smells nice and looks pretty.

What are your plans for the weekend?
see animal farm. maybe some old friends. kates birthday party

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
totally. about to get it done though

Has anyone ever broken your heart?
people have. not always in a romantic way.

Who did you last hug today?
oh. my cat.

Do you want to see somebody right now?
yes.

Think back to the last girl you held hands with, would you kiss them?
donno who it was. but sure? i dont know

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
i know people who smoke pot

Who sits by you in math class?
jimmy david and sean. its a good time

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
mm. chorus i think

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
josh.

How have you felt today?
like a piece of shit

How many times have you cried this week?
too many. i stopped counting a while back.
i've had a rough weel.

Boots

2009-11-16T18:35:00.004-05:00

The world I live in is funny and it doesn't make any sense, but I don't make any sense, so me and the world work well together. I like clothes that I don't buy. I wish I had more money. I really love shoes a lot. I've decided that I am going to start documenting shoes, everywhere I go, the pretty ones at least. I like shiny things, and shiny things are hip, therefore I am hip. That is how it works right? I am a hipster, right? I really like boots. Hipsters like boots, or something like that, so I'm hip, right? I hope so. I hope people like me. I hope I fit in and people think about me when I'm not there. I hope that they wish I was there. Hippies are the original hipsters, or something like that. Hippies started hip. Before hippies nothing was hip. Everything was Leave it to Beaver or a desperate housewife strung out on Valium and fumes. Oh, those were the days. Innocence and whit picket fences. I hope to never have a house with a fence. I like rainbows a lot, as well as gay people. Gay people seem to really get along with me. Men and women alike. I enjoy their company. Everything feels safer in the company of a fag or two. They are nice. I still really love shoes. If they were cheaper or I were richer I would own more shoes. Life is not so simple. I don't even like to wear shoes. I just like to have them and look at them. I really like winter, but I also really like bonfires and the weather is getting to be just a bit too chilly for bonfires. I could never wear thigh-high boots, I would feel silly. But I should never say never because one day I'm sure I will. They are wild. I'm bringing the 30's back, the fashion at least. Everything was cool. Beck is cool. He's the coolest guy I've ever seen. I wish I was more like him.

You there, with the iron mask.

2009-11-05T20:48:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, no one existed. I was here, and you were here, but no one else existed. I didn't know you. And everything was dark. You were somewhere in a world of your own. I wandered
and i wandered
and i wandered
and one day, you were here. I met you. And i liked you and i touched the sadness on your face. you were drunk.
but so was i so it was okay that you were too
and then the dark got brighter
and i could see things i had never seen before
and everything was beautiful. more beautiful than before. you would tell me stories when i wanted to be able to hear. and you would show me things when i wanted to be able to see. and life was better. and things started to exist. and real life was real life, but so were my dreams. everything was brighter. you washed the sadness off your face, and i washed mine. i could see. there was a sun and at night the brightest moon i could ever see. everything was brighter. and everything really loved to exist.
too much existed. too many people and faces all with sadness on them. i had trouble seeing you. you had a harder time seeing me. i screamed for you in a crowd, a crowd for hours with me screaming to you. screaming so loud the clouds could hear me. but not you.
you went to lunch, in the daylight, with other things that existed
you all fell in-love. i sat beneath trees hoping you could hear me. but i lost my voice, so i sat silently.
and then you stopped existing. everything else existed, sort of. it got dark again so i couldnt really see. maybe everything was gone. but i am sure you stopped existing. and i sat beneath dark trees
silently
hoping somewhere you could hear me.
and we all lived separately ever after.
thats why we invented telephones.

and that is the story of how we fell in-love, mister.

2009-11-01T21:40:00.000-05:00

The smallest trees
Make the biggest leaves.

Moment

2009-10-31T10:49:00.003-04:00

Let us take a picture of the sun
And when She protests
Let us tell her
We are only trying to capture
A moment
That will never be a Moment again
And then She will tell us
That if it will never be a Moment
Again
We can not capture that moment
At all
And we will feel silly
And ashamed we even tried
Let us then live
Live the Moment and be in a moment
And not forget it
Have the picture of the sun in the back of our minds
At all times
Yet no photograph to show it.
It will only be ours.

2009-10-22T22:52:00.002-04:00

I am the worst person I have ever met. I make secret plans to devour a feast, they made it for millions but I want it for me. Does that make me a monster? I don't know. If I wish hard enough, maybe it will stop existing and making plans of its own. Take over me. I am a human lie detector, watching for clues and looking for rules you are breaking. I am so very special, never call me Lady. I have lost a brain, I have lost three brains I am wasting. I am not old enough to stomp on your emotions, emotions, emotions. How do we learn emotions? We are pieces of rubber left behind, stretching and turning into mounds of dust left on concrete floors, yelling at everyone YOU WERE NOT HERE FIRST. And nothing is original. Everything is found art. Trash from the streets, ribbons and pigeons and meat. My hands are in the sky, hanging out and looking for repeats in the clouds. I have had the same best friend for fourteen years. He has grown old and weary, waiting until he can give his sore bones a rest, and when he does, my heart will fall out and crumble, waiting for a replacement but knowing that none will come. And then maybe cereal will be the only childhood delicacy that I have left. I don't want to miss out on the future. Is it possible to find inspiration from yourself?

My Life.

2009-10-19T20:56:00.002-04:00

There are words to describe every passing moment.

There are emotions fit to every passing thought.

There is time.

There is space.

Confusion, indifference, ignorance, happiness.

It doesn't really matter, at all.

Contradictions

2009-10-17T02:27:00.002-04:00

There is too much
And not enough
And sound in between.
I am crawling from the inside.
Let me out.

I am happy. Happy happy. Happier than in a long, long time.

Brackets.

2009-10-13T21:23:00.001-04:00

I saw beautiful faces in the sand.
They said
"Wake up! Wake Up!
The world is waiting."

Soft Spots

2009-10-04T19:50:00.005-04:00

I am a broken record, but not in the classic definition of the saying. I am not stuck playing on repeat. I am little bits of something beautiful. I was not thrown out, used up, or unloved. I am simply little bits. You can try glue or tape, but nothing really sticks. Nothing ever fixes little tiny bits. I sucked in the air between my cracks and I breathed and I breathed and I breathed in deep. I took up all the air in the universe just to suffocate everything else. I didn't really want to leave everything else with no air. I felt sorry for them. I was filling up my cracks. Within them, a new universe sprouted. New plants and animals and stones grew up within my cracks and wrapped themselves around me. I looked like a record left out in the imagination of a three year old girl. The plants and animals lasted only for a fraction of a second, or for eternity. However long it takes me to close and open my eyes, and who am I to know how long it takes to destroy a universe. The birds created a symphony, a rodeo for the ears of the creatures I never got to name. They were something indescribable, like God, only more powerful. Like the sunset, only more beautiful and like the ocean, only deeper. And then I blinked and all was gone.

I Love Discussing Myself With Myself

2009-10-03T13:03:00.002-04:00

Is "because i was drunk" a good enough excuse for you?
not really. unless its something really funny.

What can your siblings do to annoy you?
by being crazy

What made you really happy today?
that my fever went down to 99! im almost healed!

When you get all dressed up, where are you most likely going?
prom? or maybe playing a show. i dont really dress up

What is the stupidest/funniest thing youve seen someone do on webcam?
nothing really. i dont use a webcam or watch them much

What is your least favorite soup?
hm. i dont know.

Have you ever seen a pimp or a prostitute?
probaby

What is the weirdest thing you have ever ate?
craisins in tuna fish...

Have you ever fallen down a flight of stairs?
fallen up. not down since i was really little

How many different types of animals have you been bitten by?
lots. dogs and cats and ginnie pigs and hamsters and mice and other such things.

Have you ever been in a car accident?
yes

Have you ever been hit in the face with a basketball?
probably some time

What would you think if you saw a hitchhiker with an axe?
fuckkk. i better not pick him up.

Have you had a dog that loved to chew things up?
jah

What is the funniest toy you have ever seen?
weebles wobble, but they dont fall down

Have you ever had a fake ID?
nah

Would you ever want to ride in a canoe?
i have, i have one

Does it annoy you when people take up two parking spaces?
indeed. how vain

Has a bird ever pooped on you or something of yours?
probably my house or my car or something. not on my body

Has your mailbox ever fallen over?
i do not believe it has

How often do you go for a run?
once every three years or so

When was the last time you babysat for someone?
over the summer

What is the most money you've ever made in one day?
hmm maybe like a hundred dollars. i dont know

Does the nearest mall to you have an ice rink inside?
nah. that would be tight though

Do you prefer bracelets or anklets? why?
i always wear an anklet, so i guess those

Where is the most romantic place you've kissed someone?
hm. i dont know. in the rain? how cliche

Any good parties this weekend?
there could have been, but i am far too ill

How many calendars are in your house?
two maybe

What does your favourite blanket look like?
like a baby's

Do you have certain towels that you only bring to the beach?
no. but they are different than shower towels

What happened on the last tv show you watched?
tyra banks kicked off a poor little model

How many words can you think of that rhyme with blue?
screw you? chew. WOO!

Do you look good in baseball caps?
i look good in everything.
ha

Whose hand did you hold last? did it mean anything?
jashua's. and i suppose it did.

Were you ever scared of your basement as a kid?
i live in my basement. i am still scared of the one at my dad's though

What's the best decision you've made this week?
to take off work today. i probably would have died. or at least passed out

How many times a day do you check your cell to see if you have a text?:
quite often

Ever wonder if the person you hate will become the person you marry?:
all the people i hate are chicks, so no

If you could live in 3 places, a year each, where would they be?:
NYC, Big Sur, New Zealand.
And I will.

How many times a day do you wash your hands?:
a few. more recently due to my sickness and the Swine epidemic!

Your choice of transportation for anything: camel, jet pack or carried?:
sheeit. a jet pack would be sweet.

You walk in on your parents smoking pot, what do you do?:
chuckle. and scold my mother. my dads cool.

How old were you when you had your first crush?:
hmm. pretty little.

Does your imagination get the best of you a lot?:
always

When was the last time you asked God for something?:
about a month ago. it isnt God i am asking though

Ever woken up with a smile on your face for no reason?:
yes.

Your opinion on smoking:
i mean. whatever.

When you have kids, do you want the first one to be a boy or a girl?:
TWINS! one of each.
not.
I dont care.

When you were 12, what did you want to be when you grew up?:
i believe a dolphin trainer or something along those lines.

Have you ever cried so much over something that later felt like nothing?:
often

The last time you were afraid of the dark was:
not for a long time.

Ever thought something was funny & laughed really loud & no one else did?:
ha yes

How often do you say I love you to your parents and mean it?
every time i leave them or end a phone call. or go to sleep.
alot.

Do you LOVE twilight?:
nope.

Think of a movie and now give me that movie title:
Jurassic park.

A line from your wedding vows is now:
you pretty cute you know

Name your two favorite chacters from a tv show or movie:
oh my.
umeveryone from desperate housewives. except orson. what an ass.

Ok girls you just named your boobs: & guys you just named your nuts::
astronought and planet earth!

Whats the relationship between you and the last person you texted:?
she's a cute little lady

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
jahh. my best friend is a boy. sort of.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
jah

Have you faced any of your fears lately?
what fears?

Have you kissed under water?
i do not think so

Do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water?
noo way

Are you a heart breaker?
once i was.

Is it ever too late to apologize?
i dont like when people say sorry.

Which friend are you most similar to?
hm. stephanie i would say

Would you kiss the last person who texted you, on the lips?
hmm. if i was feeling a bit lezzy sure

Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends?
camping with a few! i love camping

What did your last text say?
he still played. just laying down. HAHA

Has anyone told you they don't ever want to lose you?
someone

Do you fall for people easily?
not at all

Do you know anyone named Holly?
yep

Have you ever kissed someone who was drunk?
yep

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
i hope todayyy

Do you find smoking attractive?
on some people i do.

Do you like sour candies?
not particularly no

Do you currently have a hickey, if so where?
nah gee

Are you 100% over the last person you kissed?
nah gee

Whats something that bothers you about girls?
they are silly. and catty. and care far too much about absolutely everything.
but i am no exception.
except i dont really care about much.

Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up?
it was post intoxication

If you could see anyone you want who would it be?
jashua. or katia and stephanie. or nick wag, he's always a good time.
or jessica because i miss her so so so so so so much.

Who was your crush in the 5th grade?
james bright?

Do you like being around a large group of friends, or a best friend.
uno amigo primero

If you see a girl with big boobs do you automatically think shes a slut?
nah

What's usually colder, your hands or your feet?
muh feets are always real chilly

Do you remember who you liked on New Years?
oh my man.

Have you kissed the same person more than 20 times in 09?
jah.

When was the last time you completely broke down?
about two or three weeks ago.

Could things possibly get any better?
jah. but things are pretty swell. other than my illness

Do you love where you live?
it is quite nice

What were you doing 12 AM last night?
reading rolling stone in muh bed

Can you get over people easily?
nah

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
not really.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now?
ha i suppose i would. i do not look too hot though

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
nah

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
yeppers

How do you feel right now?
lonely antsy and like im stoned in a really terrible way.
my head is sooo unhappy.

Are you a mean person?
as much as it pains me to say it, yes

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
not really.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
indeedio

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
yes. basically the same. just happier and more focused. and older

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
sleeeeping

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
if you do something to get it.

What's your background image on your phone?
jashua. and my kitty Jack

Last December, what was your love life like?
same as it is now!

Will tomorrow be a good day?
if im better yes

Are you listening to music?
no

What's your favorite color(s)?
red and greeen

Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
i mean. they're both pretty necissary.

What color are your eyes?
brown. with a bit of a red tint sometimes.

Six months ago, can you remember who you liked?
jashua jashua jashua

What did you have for breakfast?
pancakes!

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
watchingggg ANTM

Do you love the last person that called you?
i think it was my poppa. so yes

Where do you want to live when you're older?
everywhere

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
from josh. i stole it

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
i hope so

Meet any new people this year?
yess. loads of wonderful people

Is it possible to be single and happy?
yes

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
its been nine! its wild.

Do you like hugs?
i love. but group hugs freak me out.

Do you have any piercings?
dos.

Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
multiple soul mates. for example, my cat is my soul mate.

Baseball or football?
umm i dont know.
hocky?

Do you want to get married?
i think so

Do you sleep on your stomach?
no no no. i cant breathe when i do that

Are you ticklish?
not at all.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
that would be nice. but proabably not.

Do you know a few people that smoke weed?
everyone smokes weed

Has a boy/girl ever called you babe/baby?
yes

Do you like the idea of promise rings in relationships?
i dont really think about them

Was this the best summer of your life?
no. but it was fun

Do you prefer people who talk a lot or are quiet?
a nice mix of both

Was last night terrible?
no. just boring and uncomfortable

Do you laugh a lot?
yes

what's the real reason to why you're confused right now?
college.

Do you cry when you don't get what you want?
not really

Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone?
sometimes

If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care?
noo noo

Your phone is ringing. It's the person you fell hardest for, what do you say?
helly baby.

Do you find it easy to trust others?
no

Have you kissed the last person you texted?
like on the cheek i believe

What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?
oh cry.

Are you close with your dad?
closer to my pops than my mum. so i guess so.

I bet you kissed someone last night, right?
jah.

What are you listening to?
the noises outside

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life,what is it? Why?
tea. tea is lovely.

Do you like hickeys?
no

What time do you go to bed?
it varies.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
yeah.

Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do with both?
yeah

Do you always answer your texts?
no. i forget to alot.

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
last night.

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
yes

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?
i dont remember. something along the lines of bono is soo fucking famous.

Is anyone else in the room with you?
nope

Do you believe what goes around comes around?
not always

Are you happier now? Or were you happier 4 months ago?
hmm. its pretty equal. although four monthes ago all my friends were still in the state of Maryland.

Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?
hm. not really.

In the past week, have you cried?
from caughing too much and thinking i had swine

What color is the shirt you are wearing?
brown

Do people ever call you by your last name?
oh no

Is anyone ignoring you right now?
hm no.

Do you have a best friend?
i have a few

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
no no. just giggled and hiccuped.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
when i get in

Where is your phone right now?
on the speaker in the living room

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
no. thats weird

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
not really much. i guess a year or so

Were you popular in high school?
i am the most popular in high school.
ha.

Have you ever been on a blind date?
nahh

Are looks important?
initially yes

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
yeah. we dont really talk anymore though. just once in a while on facebook

By what age would you like to be married?
i dont know. whenever the right time is

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?
yeah

Have you ever made a mistake?
yeah

Are you a good tipper?
for the most part

What's the most you have spent for a haircut?
like fifteen bucks

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
oh i do.

Have you ever peed in public?
yeahh

What song do you want played at your funeral?
something awesome

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
yesm

What would your last meal be before getting executed?
mashed potatoes green beens boston cream pie... bread.

Do you have any phobias?
i do not like spiders. not really a phobia though.
theres this face that my friends like to make at me cause it scares the shit out of me. thats pretty much my biggest fear

What are your plans for the future?
college. and write alot. and travel alot. and become a semi-famous musician. its gunna happen. HARRIET SISTERS!

Do you walk around the house naked?
nah

If you were an animal what would you be?
some sort of sea creature

Hair color you like on someone you're dating?
dark dark

Do you have any special talents?
hm. maybe.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
throw my stuff down

Do you like horror or comedy?
both!

Are you missing anyone?
many.

If you weren't straight, what person of the same sex would you do?
cassy from skins!!!! i have such a crush on her.

Have you ever been in love?
i believe i am

Do you sing in the shower
yes

Give Me...

2009-09-26T02:08:00.002-04:00

good literature and a fat book of poetry. My mind is melting from children overreacting and raging hormones. But I learned to keep my temper and mold how I think. And I am happy in my life. Teen drinking is such a ridiculous thing.
Technology is destroying our futures.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all out exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half heard, in the stillness
Between the two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always--
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of things shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

          Little Gidding V,
          Four Quartets.
          -- T.S. Eliot (1943)

How I Exist

2009-09-22T18:22:00.006-04:00

Before I existed, I was a void. I was a blank white sheet of paper. I was a black hole. I was something missing in the world. Before I existed, there was space for me, just nothing filling it. There was a hollow willow tree beside a lake in Canada, covered in hard bark and leaves, disguising it, making it look as if there was nothing there. A small, yellow bird landed on the leaves, and began to dig, with its tiny little feet, into the tree. It broke through the hard surface on the outside, the bark crawling with darkness and bugs. The little yellow bird burrowed deep inside the tree, hid itself from sorrow, and nine months later, out came me. I was the product of laughter and sunshine, yellow from ear to ear, although you wouldn't know it just by looking. I had wings and learned to fly, slowly but surely, to the moon. I taught myself to eat, finding food in the sky, and I taught myself to sing. In the mornings, I would turn my face to the world and sing a song about the history of my mind. I couldn't yet speak language. I was still stuck speaking God. Every night I would return to the hollow emptiness inside of the willow tree, soothing myself to sleep. Eventually, after I could fly without falling, I made my way to a river that led me to the sea. On the white shores of Canada, cold and tired and lost, I found a family. They were sitting on the beach, watching the waves. They called to me, said they were waiting. Said they had been expecting me. They told me they had let let their bird go many years ago, I was expected much sooner. They had been waiting on the beach ever since. They took me home with them, smoothed out my feathers, washed my feet. They said they had been missing me, that there had been a void in their life that only a little yellow bird could fill. For three weeks we lived in happiness and peace. One day, exactly three weeks after the family had found me, they broke down. They threw plates against the walls and yelled out
and yelled out
that they didn't want a little bird anymore. They wanted a child and a family and to live apart from one another. They didn't make any sense to me. I tried to fly away but got stuck in the branches of a tree outside the window. They found me there, vulnerable and stranded. They took me back inside. They plucked out my feathers, broke off my wings, and turned me into a child. I was the product of yelling and moonlight. I was darkness from ear to ear, as you can easily see. I live and I still try to fly from time to time. I love flying. I miss the lakes of Canada.

Look Out For Cows

2009-09-19T00:39:00.003-04:00

The trees look like people
And the people trees
Solid, still
Evergreen.
The food taste like ashes
The ashes food
But both tend
To lighten your mood.
I am laughing at myself
And at my friends
And at the world.
Yeah,
The world is geeking me out.
The milkshake was the best thing
and the time was second best.
We laughed and laughed
And laughed and laughed
A friend stopped by to say
But we screamed and ran away
We hid and he didnt see us there.
I am LOVING A Very Potter Musical.
Are words more important
Or pictures
Or prints
Or the actual item in your hand?
This is two nights worth
Of stoned ramblings and ideas.
My head is full of dust.
I want to brush my teeth and then go to sleep.
I want to go to the moon.
I have been on two inches of the map. The world is much too large for me.

2009-09-15T21:17:00.002-04:00

If I could string my thoughts together, in one long ribbon of silent ideas and memories, it would fill up all the rooms in my house. I could wrap ten thousand Christmas presents inside of my mind, and have some left over to tie up my future daughter's hair. I hold my thoughts highly, they make up who I am. I choose the thoughts that I wish to share carefully, sometimes. Sometimes they spill out and I forget to stop them from falling to the floor. I often hold too many thoughts.
I have learned that glass breaks. While starting fires and soothing broken hearts. I have heard the sound of breaking glass. I have felt the shards of broken glass beneath my bare feet as I walk through my kitchen to get a cup of tea. My kitchen is not quite large enough to walk through. I stand in a corner of it, I am standing in the whole thing.
I have never found the sun appalling, yet I have asked to live in rooms without windows. The darkness reminds me to appreciate the light. Silence, living alone with me, with its arms around me and its breath on my neck, allows me to get to know the strangers in my head. The words I don't understand, the demons that I wish weren't there. I get to know my demons, and when I break open the walls to find the sun glaring in my eyes, there is more peace inside of me than there was before.
I am a grade A liar. I can smile through tears and cry through laughter. I lie to say that I am not lying. I lie to say that I am okay. It is easier not to speak when tears well up in the back of your throat and your voice cracks as if you are singing through a ninety year old microphone. It is easier if they don't ask.
I wish I could smile and be happy for the world in a time of such progress and growth. There are monsters on this planet and wars being fought, but some things are changing. I wish I could congratulate them.
And if I could, I would dance with wolves. I would sing their great songs to the moon and tell her she is beautiful and loved and should never stop lighting up our night. I imagine wolves are wonderful dancers.

To Fly Straight

2009-09-13T00:15:00.002-04:00

We ran into brick buildings.
It was all my fault.
They crumbled at our feet
As if we were the big bad wolf,
Only four times stronger
And half as large.
They will never remember our name,
The one on our monogram
Beneath the picture of three hands holding onto each other
As if the world was ending and it was the last thing they would ever touch.
We knew they felt like velvet
And tasted the sunset.
The world was impossible to please.
It was all my fault,
I insisted we fly straight
Into brick houses
And windows
And ruin stranger's lives.
I wanted to pretend that we were Santa Claus,
Come in through the chimney, unannounced
And bring with us presents and good intentions.
The strangers called us thieves and chased us out of their homes
With sticks and pebbles and mace.
To pay them back for our good tidings,
We knocked their houses down.
Call it an act of teen angst,
I call it self defiance.
The only hearts we were breaking were our own.
But I learned to follow roads,
The path more traveled.
I learned to conform to what The Man told us to do.
I learned to hide my face with my fingers
And peek between the cracks.
I learned it was silly
To ever have tried
To impress you.

Catching Up On Sleep

2009-09-09T22:26:00.002-04:00

Andrea's List Of Things That Are Not Impossible

Eternal youth
An existing God
Multiple existing gods
Soul mates
True love
A cure for AIDS
A cure for cancer
The human race being able to fly
Saving the planet
Happiness, contentment, joy, for as long as we all shall live

Andrea's List Of Things That Are Impossible

Too much education
Reading too many books
Reading Harry Potter too many times
Peace everywhere, within everyone
A dislike of chocolate (I truly know that everyone who says "I don't like chocolate" is joking)
Discovering the meaning of life
Man successfully playing God, its dangerous territory
Curing every disease and not having any new one's that need new cures creeping up on us
Having your soul simply disappear after death, we all go somewhere, do something, no matter what you believe
Happiness, contentment, joy, for as long as we all shall live

2009-09-06T13:39:00.002-04:00

The world is too loud to hear
When she is crying, she's too loud to hear
When she is crying, she is too loud
The waves are flowing
In and out your mind
They are too much
They are too much to bear
So you don't look there.
What the world is saying
Over and over
Skipping beats
Skipping tracks
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Saying I am right here
I am right here.
But it is too loud to hear.
And the sea is in your back pocket
And the sea is in your back pocket
And the sea is in your back pocket
But you'll never know
Cause you never care to look there
But you'll never know
Cause you never care to look
Anywhere
I am speaking loud and clear
Speaking for her so you can hear
I don't speak softly but I don't yell.
You can hear me you can hear me.
You can see her bones
Lined up against the walls
Spelling out to you
Spelling out to you
So you learn to see
What the world wants to be
What the world used to be
What the world isn't anymore.
Broken mirrors
Litter the floor
You don't look down
You don't see
And the sea is in your back pocket
And the sea is in your back pocket
And the sea is in your back pocket
But you'll never know
Cause you never care to look there
But you'll never know
Cause you never care to look
Anywhere.

I am going to talk about myself, and talk about myself some more.

2009-08-31T17:34:00.002-04:00

Has anything happened to you within the past month that has made you really angry?
im always really angry.

Have you ever slow danced with someone?
not seriously. never seriously.

Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?
i would change many things. but none of them were decisions i made.

When was the last time you laughed really hard?
not recently enough

When you look at your cell phone do you usually have a message?
depends on how long its been since i last looked.

Do you have your own personal diary?
oh yes, but its not a diary. its a journal.
im pretty classy, Max.

Do you go tanning on a regular basis?
never.

Do you work out on a daily basis?
never.

Are you in love? Have you been?
i am. i have been. i have always been. i will always be in love with something.

What made you decide to wear the outfit you wore today?
i slept in the shirt and grabbed some pants off my floor.

Are you on your period right now?
not yet.

Are you dyslexic?
sometimes. depending on my mood and my age and the type of media i am looking at.

Is there anything you currently need to buy? If so, what?
i want a new computer game. i like computer games.
and kings of leon tickets.

Have you ever gotten alcohol poisoning?
no no

Do you have clothing that belongs to an ex?
yes

Would you prefer a kiss on the hand or neck?
if its from josh-the neck
if its from anyone else in the world- the hand

Have you ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyed person?
i dont like the whole blonde hair thing

If the year only consisted of two seasons, which would you choose?
i couldnt. how boring life would be.

Who was your last missed call from?
josh's momma?

Do you drink coffee?
tea tea i love tea

Has a guy ever let you wear his jacket?
indeed

How long do you usually chew on a stick of gum?
too long, or maybe too short

Do you eat raw cookie dough?
only if its homemade with my homemade chicken eggs

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
at some point in our lives, yes

What color did you last paint your nails?
if only i could remember

What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?
cry hysterically. and react differently depending on who that other lady is.

Are you in a good mood right now?
im in a mood.

Do you need to say anything to someone?
i need to say everything. to too many people.

Do you take compliments well?
i act extremely conceited when im complimented. on the inside im an uncomfortable and bashful little girl.

Do small children like you?
oh i hope so. i am one of them after all.

Who do you miss right now?
Madison Jessica Stephanie Katia Ethan Jesse the Christopher I knew, the Frankie and the Chelsea I once knew, Tess Gribbon, Kendra Lyons, Bethany, Ryan, Nicolo, Micheal. Everyone else I don't know anymore.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past week?
yes.

Do you sleep with one leg out from under the cover?
never, ever.

Last person you saw other than your family?
floyd jones.

What color shirt are you wearing?
white with cotton candy tye dye.

What did you go to bed thinking last night?
last night was so long ago.

What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you?
disappointed. people get over anger.

Last beverage?
waterr

If somebody liked you, would you want them to tell you?
maybe. i dont know.

What time did you wake up this morning?
6 50 ish

Whose car were you last in besides yours or your parents?
stephs i think

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
i can always go in public.

What would you do if you were stranded on an island with the person you hated?
be pissed as shit. swim away probably. but i would probably punch her first.

What are you looking forward to?
i am looking forward.

And another one.

1. Do you ever tell yourself that you're awesome, or pay yourself any sort of compliment?
I know how i feel about myself, i dont need to tell me.

2. What was the last thing that you spent some serious time daydreaming about?
writing i believe.

3. Have you ever tried to learn another language? If yes, how did it go / is it going?
i wish i could. spanglish isnt enough for me.

4. What foreign culture do you find the most fascinating?
middle eastern.

5. What is one stereotype that is /somewhat/ true about your country?
were all fat and lazy.

6. The last time that you were "labeled" by someone, do you remember what they called you?
i dont know. and arts kids or something like that.

7. Who do you know that is most critical of your life? Are you critical and judgemental of how others live?
my dad probably.
Am I? no. unless how your living is making you unhappy. then you deserve to be judged.

8. Are you more likely to hate people, or to hate their actions?
hate people due to their actions.

9. Who is the most perfect person that you know (of)?
Nic Dahl.

1o. Is there a word in another language that you like using on a regular basis? What word is this?
Chico.

11. What is the most random and unique item in your closet ( clothing or otherwise ) at this time?
an old toy cash register. and a goosebumps board game. and a box full of magic cards.

12. Are there rooms in your house that you typically do not visit?
my house isnt large enough to have those. those are for rich people

13. What was the last thing you caught? How about the last thing that you threw?
eye do not remember

14. Did you sing along with the last song that you listened to?
it was about two songs ago that i sang along

15. If you ever put yourself down, what prompts you to do it?
being in a really bummed mood

16. If your boyfriend/girlfriend/bestfriend happened to agree with all the bad things you said about yourself, how would that make you feel?

they do. but i know they are joking

17. Why is everyone so eager to be perceived as "mature"?
we are all dying to grow up. and we are all dying to grow down.

18. Do you know people who claim to be mature, who actually aren't anywhere close? What do you think it means to be "mature"?
yes, i know those people. what does it mean? it doesnt mean.

19. If you believe in God, does it disturb you when someone does not? Or, if you do not believe in God, do you find religion to be an annoyance?
i love God. i dont know if i believe in him or not, but if i did i'd love hime. and if i don't, ill still love him anyway

2o. If you had the chance to move to another state ( or country ), where would you move?
Big Sur or New Zealand. Ill be there someday

21. French fries are my magical food addiction. What is yours?
potatoes. and chocolate. and fresh pineapple. and tea, if that counts

22. If you could choose between singing very well and being able to play an instrument, which would you choose?
well i've got the singing downs, but i wish i could play.

23. If public speaking is something you dislike, what is an aspect you do not like about it?
it doesnt bother me.

24. Do you ever give thought to how other people will judge you? Does this negatively or positively affect you?
i do. but then i remind myself that i dont really care.

25. What "clique" or group do you belong to, in school - if any?
i like who i like. i call it my "clique of kids i like". (i dont really call it that.)

26. What is your favorite activity to do on the last day of school?
oh, something awesome.

27. On the last day of a school break, how do you normally spend your time?
differntly. just enjoying the freedom i suppose

28. Are you allowed to visit with friends on holidays, or do you have to stay home and be around family?
i can visit friends, i like being home

29. If you have children, what is one holiday tradition to which you will introduce them?
dressing up for halloween. i know thats a given on halloween. but nothings better than that.

3o. Have you ever received/heard any good advice from a talk-show, like Dr. Phil or Oprah?
i dont know. im sure sometime in my life i have.

Everything and A Car

2009-08-30T21:44:00.003-04:00

One hole puncher, two pairs of shoes, too many thoughts inside my head. Three pens and one journal, a back pack full of snacks. Four used CD's, one new one of a band long since dead. One camera with no memory card, four hundred and twenty three photos I forgot were ever taken. A play, a book, a dictionary, all based on the fact that words exist. One too many words I don't understand. One pillow, two blankets, and a bunny in pajamas. He will always be there. Five pairs of socks, eight pairs of underwear, two bras. One body to fill them with. Sixty five dollars and a credit card with my mother's name on it. One flashlight, three candles and a lighter. Two bottles full of water, another full of tea. Three pairs of jeans, six shirts and one toothbrush. A hair tie around my wrist. A million places to go.

To You, With Love, Coming From the Basement Appartment Of A House In the Suburb of A City That You'll Never Find

2009-08-25T20:48:00.002-04:00

You raise me up.
You make me feel so small.
You make me feel like I can do anything,
Anything at all.
You make me feel like crying,
In a way that's not entirely bad.
You make me feel unhappy,
In a way that's not entirely sad.
You make me feel like lying
Just to make you ask again.
You make me feel like I'm going
All the places I wish I've already been.
You make me feel like loving monsters
And becoming their best friend.
You make me feel like living
And never letting it end.
You make me feel like driving
For hours through the rain.
You make me feel like I'm hurting
But it isn't entirely pain.
You make me feel like leaving
Just so that I can come back.
You fill a void of something
That I always lack.
You make me feel like a spider,
Eight legs and fifteen hundred eyes.
You make me feel like everything
Will always be a surprise.
You make me feel like forgetting
Everything I have ever known
You make me feel like the past
Is just too overgrown.
You make me feel like loving,
Something that I have never done.
You make me feel like I'm winning
Even though I already won.
You make me feel like dancing,
When my backs against the wall.
You make me feel like I can do anything,
Anything at all.

Speak Easy and Butterflies Painted Black and Blue

2009-08-22T12:56:00.003-04:00

The world is made of little drops of water. Everything. is made of little drops of water. If you look hard enough, everything is cellophane. If you look hard enough, you can even see through the tress. If you look hard enough, when you speak you can see the words. They are spelled out in little drops of water sailing through the air until they land in an ear. Little drops of water in the shapes of words, spelling out even I-Love-You. Everything. is made of little drops of water. The things that I have fallen in-love with are water. A cat I discovered is my soul mate is made of little drops of water, but he is a bit less invisible than the rest. He is solid and real and cleans his water paws with his water tongue and his water teeth. But he is real. The gravestones in the graveyard etched with words and sayings reminding us of a human who once was, the gravestones are made of little drops of water. More water than the rest, but translucent all the same. The people I know, the people I love, the people I hate are made of little drops of water. If you look hard enough, they are cellophane. If you look even harder, you can see them. You can see their mind and their thoughts and their heart and what it is made of. You have to look hard. When you look hard enough, you might not like what you see. When you don't like what the little drops of water spell out for you, what shape the heart is that they create, the little drops of water fill you with angst and anxiety and anger. The little drops of water fill you until you are drowning and they begin to spill out of your water eyes. Until you are so full of these little drops of water that you overflow and they spill out over your edges. If you aren't careful, they can make quite a mess. You scream and you yell and you create floods and hurricanes composed of a thousand drops of water, drowning everything you love. You create water words you never intended to create, say words you never meant to say.
And then comes the calm.
And then comes the calm, and this calm is made up of water too. Clear and cleansing water, baptizing your soul and watering flowers with the water left over from the flood. Then you speak easy, creating words made out of crystal water, so cool and fresh that God could mistake it for His own tears. Perhaps it is God's tears. You create a thousand soggy apologies made out of little drops of water. And you notice the Butterflies that someone painted black and blue. The Butterflies that, if they weren't so beautiful, could be mistaken for a bruise. The solid Butterflies, filled in with silk and a sand, but never any water. They are the truth and they are the beauty that every human desires to acquire. But I think, if you look hard enough. I mean really, really hard, every human already is the truth and the beauty, they just wrap it up in cellophane and feed it to their dog.

Disappointed In Me

2009-08-20T00:05:00.003-04:00

I know
I should clean my room and stop drinking beer
You told me already,
I can hear.
I know
I should quit smoking and start working out
You told me already,
You don't have to shout.
I know
I shouldn't yell and slam the doors.
You told me already,
I should start doing chores.
I know
I broke your heart and did something wrong
You told me already,
I've known all along.
I know
I drink too much soda and waste too much time.
You told me already,
But at least its not wine.
I know
You are disappointed in what you see
But it means a lot more
Coming from me.

Remember To Listen To The Sounds Your Fingers Make.

2009-08-19T02:49:00.001-04:00

I can't decide if I hate sleeping or if sleeping hates me. I think its a mutual disliking for each other. But believe me, it sort of sucks being on the Sand Man's bad side.

If I Ran The Zoo

2009-08-17T00:26:00.002-04:00

If I ran the zoo
I'd let the animals free
And replace in the cages
Humans like me
The humans would dance
With knots in their hair
Lions would stop
And watch them and stare
Monkeys would throw
Fruit in the cages
To feed hungry humans
Of all different ages
The babies would cry
As the animals poke
On their fat little tummies
To make them a joke
The old men would yell
At a silly sports game
The one who does tricks
Gains fortune and fame
The elephants pay him
With peanuts and rice
And beer on Sundays
If he plays nice
Behind the glass walls
Where the humans all stay
The animals watch
At night as they prey
On each other
Every one
We don't believe it
But they're having fun
Screaming and yelling
Wrestling on the ground
Men on women
And ecstasy sound
Or maybe its pain
Or anger or love
The animals eat popcorn
And watch from above
If I ran the zoo
I'd let the animals free
They are so much tamer
Than humans like me.

Scales

2009-08-13T01:27:00.003-04:00

I am not sad I missed the days when black was the only color there was. I am sad I am missing the future. I am not sad I missed the days when you were in-love. I am sad you held her hand. I am not sad I missed you as a child. I am sad I'll miss you as an old man. I am not sad she has a face. I am sad she has a face that you want. I am not sad I am not sleeping. I am sad because of the reasons I can't sleep. I am not sad to say goodbye to you. I am sad it will be so long before I say hello. I am not sad she wears cheap socks with holes the in knees. I am sad that I don't and that you like them. I am not sad that they are in-love. I am sad that he eats my cookies. I am not sad that they aren't in-love. I am sad that it keeps me from sleeping. I am not sad that he left. I am sad because I am scared everyone else will. I am not sad he doesn't understand. I am sad he doesn't try to. I am not sad you listen to your music too loud. I am sad you don't listen when I'm screaming. I am not sad I don't have her face. I am sad because I wish I did. I am not sad you asked me to grow up. I am sad you think anyone needs to. I am not sad because my make-up is running. My make-up is running because I am sad.

Templeton

2009-08-11T23:13:00.002-04:00

She was in-love with the idea of a hand,
The idea that a hand could cook her dinner
At home
And light candles
And sprinkle roses on the bedroom floor.
She was in-love with the idea that a hand
Could rub her back
And zip up her dress
Before that same hand led her onto the dance floor.
She was in-love with the idea
That that hand could unzip her dress
After a long night of dancing
And make her feel more loved than ever before in her life.
She was in-love with the idea of a hand,
The idea that a hand could hold her own hand,
Could wrap her hand up in a blanket
Of ease and forgetfulness
That made her smell chocolate covered roses and fresh cut grass.
She was in-love with the idea of a hand,
A hand attached to an arm
Attached to a man.
She was in-love with the idea
That a man's hand could be
Just what she needed
To be complete
And full.
But in the end, it was an idea
And not a hand
Or a man
That she loved.

Discomfort.

2009-08-11T01:42:00.003-04:00

There are things inside of me that are trying to escape but they don't know how. I don't know how to let them go. They scratch on the inside of my skull but I don't know how to help them. I want them out of me just as much as they want to be. I don't know what to tell them.
If I couldn't swim I don't know what I'd do. I would drown probably. I would drown trying to stay under the water. It eases my mind. Feeling the water all around my skin makes me know I'm alive and that mermaids do exist. And if mermaids exist, then what doesn't?
Seeing a monster doesn't help the discomfort at all. Seeing a monster makes the things inside of me scratch harder and desperately, but believe me, I know how much they want to escape. Seeing a monster makes me crawl under the covers and cry until I forget why I'm crying and I peek and see the monster again. Then I go back under the covers. And I can't breathe when I'm under the covers. I breathe much better under water. The monsters make me sick and don't let me breathe. Lucky they can't swim.
Speaking from experience, CDs given are hit or miss. Wonderful for 35 seconds but then you realize the music attracts the monsters and you turn down your speakers and hide under the sheets. Lets hope your not in a car.
I just wonder if life is as big and as important as we pretend it is.
All things considered, mine is pretty wonderful. I hope yours is too.

The World Is A Circle

2009-08-08T02:37:00.003-04:00

The World is a circle.
In it you find circles
and circles
and circles
All intertwined
And one.
That is the girl you went to second grade with
And she is dating your mom's boyfriend's son
And he used to go to school with
The boy at the checkout counter
And he once got sushi with a girl named Isabelle
And she knows that girl you went to second grade with.
And that girl, the one you went to second grade with,
She is missing something.
Its a stopwatch she found on the ground at the zoo.
That stopwatch, the one that that girl that you went to second grade with found on the ground at the zoo,
Well that stopwatch once belonged to Mark's grandfather,
He lost it at the zoo,
So he was missing something.
And now that girl, the one you went to second grade with,
Is missing something too.
And that something that that girl lost, that stopwatch, is in the hands of you.
You didn't know that girl is missing something, or that Mark's grandfather is missing something,
You just found a stopwatch on the ground at the supermarket where that boy at the checkout counter, the one who got sushi with Isabelle, works.
So your up one thing while Mark's grandfather and that girl are both missing something.
And who is Mark?
Well, Mark is the boy that your in-love with,
Whose in-love with your best friend,
Who happens to be very good friends with Isabelle too.
So here you are, heartbroken with one fine stopwatch,
Not knowing that the boy at the checkout counter has been dying to get your number
Ever since you purchased a bag of gluten free pretzels
(He can't eat that stuff either).
And so you see your life is a circle
Full of smaller circles
And larger circles
All connected and intertwined
Making a beautiful pattern
Similar to that of the stars,
Only different and full of more circles
And less glowing balls of fire.
But still, the world is a circle
And She knows it.

Faith.

2009-08-05T00:55:00.002-04:00

I do believe in fairies. In pixies and magic and stardust.

I do believe in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I do believe in bathtubs. In forgiveness and in rain and in stars.
I do believe the sidewalk ends.
I do believe in haircuts, in freedom, in growing it all out.
I do believe in thinking.
I do believe in Harry Potter, in Narnia, in Frodo and Sam.
I do believe in jokes.
I do believe in friendship, in ignorance, in looking past.
I do believe the future is in the past.
I do believe in heroes, in heroines, in black presidents and in women ruling the world.
I do believe in joy.
I do believe in ever color of the rainbow and in every color in between.
I do believe that people are noticing.
i do believe in photography, even if it steals your soul.
I do believe in the soul.
I do believe in histories and memories and prayer.
I do believe in a lifetime supply of Mac and Cheese.
I do believe in television, mostly in Food Network.
I do believe that math is for someone, but not for me.
I do believe in Sirens in the water, in Mermaids in the water, in Love in the water.
I do believe in sharing your ideas.
I do believe in spreading your arms and jumping.
I do believe in home cooked meals and in drive throughs.
I do believe in marriage.
I do believe in the color blue.
I do believe in eating your veggies, your fruit, your Oreos too.
I do believe in getting off the map.
I do believe in living and in loving.
I do believe in fairies, I do, I do.

Grow Up.

2009-07-27T21:47:00.002-04:00

"Grow Up" are two words that, when put together, make my spine tingle. Growing up may be the hardest thing we ever told to do. Growing Up may be the most common thing we are ever told to do. Growing Up is a mistake, a very commonly made mistake, the most commonly made mistake. Growing Up ruined Santa Claus, ruined magic. Growing Up took away my Hogwarts letter and burned my magic wand. Growing Up turned all of my baby dolls back into plastic. Growing Up washed away my memories and implanted new ones that may not even be real. Growing Up cut down all my forts and put trash in my stream. Growing Up made me hate people that I shouldn't hate. Growing Up took away my best friends ten times over. Growing Up gave them back to me, only to find out they weren't who I thought they were. Growing Up locked the Indian in the cupboard and never let him out again. Growing up stole my thoughts and imagination. Growing Up erased the rainbow and left the world entirely black and white. Growing Up gave the world money, alcohol, drugs, parties, sex, illness, death, war, fights, rape, violence, standardized tests, lines, equations and formulas, power, rules, and limits.

So when you tell me to Grow Up, my only logical response is to No. I won't Grow Up. You can try and make me. You can stretch me, you can pull me and you can Push me. But No, I will not Grow Up.

Last Night

2009-07-21T12:55:00.000-04:00

I had a dream that I found the most beautiful place in the World. I walked away from my house, towards the far pond, until I found it. We found a mountain and I climbed higher than I've ever climbed before. When we reached the top we looked out over a field that seemed to never end, and I saw something lovely. There was a single deer in the field, being chased by two dogs. Two dogs that I had lost, one that I knew in reality, one only in my dream. My dog Sandy, who died a little over a month ago, was chasing the deer. I called her and she came and she was beautiful. The other dog was a stranger, but I knew her anyway. And I loved them both. And I thanked God that I found them. And I took them back home and we loved them.

Its only dreams that make me jealous of the lives that I don't live.

Part Of Your Hand

2009-07-15T15:35:00.002-04:00

One part of your hand makes me smile. One part makes me laugh. One parts empties a container full of butterflies into my stomach, they all try to escape at the same time. One part reminds me that I am living. One part reminds me why I am living. One part brings back memories of when I was sad, another of when I was happy. One part makes me happy. One part of your hand shows me everyone who has been here before, laughs in my face, and makes me hate you. One part, the part the plays and dances and loves, makes me love you. One part tells me that I am not alone. One part whispers to me, soothes me, when I am running away from life. One part is still with me when you are gone. One part tells me you are all mine, I am all yours. One part makes me jealous. One part sings to me in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day, in the morning. One part loves me and I love it back.

2009-07-10T01:21:00.002-04:00

Standing in your wake
How much can it take
Before the boards cave in

Hoping we don't fall
With our backs against the wall
Trying to make the boards cave in.

Looking at the scene
Saying what we mean
If what we meant to do was lie.

Above all of it
Looking at where we hit
When we landed in a place called Life.

The boys all had broken hands
As they walked from stand to stand
Trying to buy back the little they had lost.

The girls all had empty eyes
And they spoke in rhyme and lies
As they held the hands of broken boys.

The parents all were sleeping
As their children went out creeping
Into the dark and dense and quiet night.

Seeing men on bikes
And fagots and whores and dykes
Was their favorite part of the night.

They walked through open doors
To find ghosts giving tours
Of a playground with a sandbox and a swing.

They toured places they once knew
Forgotten toys, abandoned zoo,
Wishing they could remember what it was like.

They found needles in the ground,
Thought that had a nice sound,
And put them in the veins in their arms.

They saw what we couldn't see
Dug holes and climbed a tree
For hours on end.

Until the sun peeked out her head
And they wandered home to bed
Until night would come again.

The children all were sleeping
When their parents went out creeping
To wander to work and play and sex.

We rubbed our eyes in wonder
And tumbled through the thunder
In a place we learned was called Life.

It was a place God had forsaken
Yet could have been mistaken
For Paradise or Heaven or Hell.

We climbed back above the town
Then looked back down
Grateful our boards did not cave in.

To Be In-Love With The Universe

2009-07-03T23:30:00.002-04:00

I am being eaten alive by life itself
I can feel its hands all over me
I can feel its mouth searching for more
I can feel the watering cans filling me and filling me and filling me and filling me
When I'm already full
I am a real person
With a real face
And real teeth
And real hair
And I can see how much you love everything
When I'm not there
I can look in the mirror
And be happy with who I see
But be so ashamed that I can't let me
Escape me
I can spare you the bread
And the blood
And the wine
But save me the space
And the sun
And the time
When I am not breathing
When I am full
And whole
And in love
With the universe
Don't take that away from me
Remind me of what you did
For me
And where you took me
And what you showed me
And what you taught me
And what I never knew before
And what I may never know again
Please promise you aren't lying
Please promise that the world is a real place
Fit for real people
With real thoughts
And real hair
Find your shoes
But leave them where they were
Call me son
And your brother
And your sister
And your friend
And tell me I am wasting water
It is irreplaceable
Find me a place
Where the sun doesn't set
And it lives happily
Side by side
With the moon
And thoughts are spoken
And whispered
And sung
And tell me that my life is a song
Swimming with melodies
And rhythms
Waiting to jump off the pages of my dreams
And land in a reality.

Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away

2009-06-29T01:01:00.002-04:00

I don't care what your wallet looks like or what it contains.
I don't care what car you drive.
I don't care what you do to your hair.
I don't care if your spoons are rusty and your shoes have holes.
I don't care whether or not you like beer.
I don't care how big your ears are, how crooked your nose is.
I don't care if you like Pepsi or Coke.
I don't care if you eat meat.
I don't care if your a vegan.
I don't care whether or not you think Kathy Griffin is funny. (I do, I do, I do)
I don't care if you like Pink Floyd.
I don't care if your afraid of thunder storms.
I don't care if you sing in the shower.
I don't care if you scream when no one is home.
I don't care where you come from.
I don't care about how bad you used to be.
I don't care if you make mistakes.
I don't care if you bring me diamonds, rubies, or pearls.
I don't care if you hate musical theater.
I don't care whether or not you believe in God.
I don't care how much weed you smoke.
I care about how you treat your little sister.
I care where you're going.
I care if you change.
I care about the decisions you make.
I care what words you say.
I care about how you show you love me.

I Actually...

2009-06-28T00:00:00.002-04:00

Miss having you here.

Love the way the stars remind me of everything.

Love when you smell like stale cigarettes.

Love the way Iron and Wine sounds.

Wish Micheal Jackson could have lived long enough for me to see him perform.

Like driving when I'm a little bit stoned.

Wish we could be friends, even though I know we can't.

Want to forgive you.

Really don't want you to go so far away.

Love you as much as I ever have and I won't ever stop.

Am jealous of you.

Don't want to look, but I do anyway.

Don't want to ask, but I do anyway.

Don't want to know, but find out anyway.

Really, really love my life, and the art of being alive.

Beautiful Things

2009-06-24T19:17:00.004-04:00

We are made up entirely
Of black and white stones
That fill us
And keep us grounded
So that We don't
Float away.
This is fitting
Seeing as we are all
So Goddamn scared
Of moving
And of idleness,
Contradicting ourselves,
Holding ourselves back,
Pushing us over,
Running,
Growing old,
Growing young.
We don't make a lick of sense.
We are real
And fake.
We can listen to the same song
On repeat
Over and over and over
And over and over and over
Again
Because it fills us with a feeling
That we don't want to lose.
It reminds us of our dog
We lost,
We loved.
It reminds us of our childhood
We lost,
We loved,
We hated.
It reminds us of our friends
We lost,
We loved,
We hated,
We remember.
We envy and we create jealousy
Because we can not (or quite possibly refuse)
To see how ridiculously blessed we are
In every aspect of our lives.
We can not be thankful
For a peace of toast when we wake up
Welcoming us into the world
And saying
Hello!
Come along for the ride!
Don't we see
That the world is full of beautiful things.
Pink bicycles,
Cupcakes,
Paper and ink,
Green tennis shoes,
Grass,
Mandolins,
Smiling faces,
Old friends,
Wedding cakes,
Accents,
Miss spelled words,
The handwriting of a six year old,
Tears, for a thousand different reasons,
Christmas gifts,
Finding stories in the clouds,
Indoor plumbing,
Outdoor showers,
Heartbeats.

I Googled beautiful things, here's what the world came up with:

Insomnia

2009-06-21T02:01:00.000-04:00

Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
Sucks.

Come Find Me

2009-06-15T23:57:00.000-04:00

I saw a monster today.
He looked me in the eye,
Asked me not to run.
He smelled of cheese fondue.
I screamed
"Fuck you"
And ran anyway.
I tripped
On a rock,
Like they do in the movies,
And he caught up to me,
Asked me why I ran.
He had two horns
On the top of his head.
He scooped me up
In hands the size of mountains,
With claws and scabs
And unidentifiable fingers.
He held me close to his chest
And I could hear his breathing.
I didn't know it,
But monsters breathe air too.
As we walked
He explained things to me
And told me
The sole purpose for going insane.
His skin felt like plaster

And looked like a marshmallow

Once it's caught on fire

And then blown out.

He carried me into the woods,

Into the dark and the silence.

I was afraid.

I didn't struggle.

He had eyes the size of cabbages

That wouldn't sit still,

Like he was always looking

For something.

We ended in a clearing

Deep in the woods.

He set me down on leaves

And twigs and sticks and things.

He asked me not to run,

So I didn't.

I listened and I obeyed

A monster.

Who I Am

2009-06-08T20:29:00.003-04:00

I am from the house in the middle of the woods, wading in the water and poking fun at witches.

I am from yelling, bickering, fighting, crying.

I am from asking for a glass of water and a sandwich.

I am from being unable to provide.

I am from a cube, a box, a brick building.

I am from suffering and forgetfulness.

I am from salamanders and toads and spiders.

I am from snakes crawling through the yard.

I am from the cookie jar, I am blamed for being from the cookie jar.

I am from a habitat.

I am from years of not knowing and trying to discover.

I am from failures and I am from success.

I am from a life without enough church.

I am from smoke, pipes, and platters full of wine.

I am from the bushes.

I am from the bamboo sticks, the corn fields, the birdbaths.

I am from incense.

I am from one mother, one father. But not exactly.

I am from one sister. But not exactly.

I am from faces, friends, families.

I am from education.

I am from books, from paper and from pencils.

I am from a backwards brain.

I am from a world.

I am from a life.

I am from everything, anything, and nothing.

Who are you?

I Love You.

2009-06-07T22:13:00.003-04:00

You are remembered
In the scents you left behind,
In all the colors,
The shades of brown and black
I can still see.
You are remembered
When I hear strangers in the woods
Crying, the same way you did
And yelling at those they can't see.
You are remembered
When friends ask about you
And when kids cry
Because you aren't there.
You are remembered
When the questions sting
Like a needle sowing stitches through my heart.
You are remembered
When my mother says no,
When her boyfriend reminds me
How much I don't know him
And how I've heard the stories before.
You are remembered
When I expect to see you,
Lying on the couch,
Squirming with excitement when I get home,
Dying for a car ride.
You are remembered
When I try not to remember
Because it hurts
So Bad.
But then I remember.
Then I feel
When I wish I wouldn't feel
And I yell
When I wish I wouldn't yell
And I pretend
When I don't have the energy to pretend
And I remember
When I wish I wouldn't remember.
But you are remembered.

In Case I Have Forgotten How To Write

2009-05-29T15:13:00.004-04:00

Apologize to God and the Universe at large, but I had to do the things that I have done. I did not know that broken hands and a broken mind would lead me to insanity, but communication is the key to life, and without a way to communicate with my hands and my words, I have nothing left. Without the ability to take what is in my mind, send it out through my fingertips, and onto a page, there is not much of me. So apologize to God and the Universe at large. Tell my father that I am proud of him, my mother that I forgive her, and my sister that I wish I knew her better. Tell my family and my friends that I love them more than words permit, but they can not quiet the riot inside of my
head. Tell the man I love to move on, look forward, look up. Tell him that the sun is bright, and never forget it is there, even if a few clouds are in the way. Tell him I love him and I am sorry we never got the chance to dance. Take my journals, read them in parks, to the birds and to the children playing hopscotch. Read them to anyone who will listen and tell them to never take advantage of the things we learn in kindergarten. Tell them to finger paint a masterpiece, a portrait of themselves, or of the most beautiful person they have ever seen. Give them my walls and ask them to decorate them in colors they've never seen. Tell them to write poetry on the interior of my life, open it as a museum of the world. A museum of all the things we've never thought of before. Of all of life. Tell the dinosaurs that I will soon be joining them, in a land before time, in a place without darkness and without light. Tell all of society to stop bothering with pants and go naked, we are all the same, something that we should have learned by now.
Thank everyone I have ever known, I have ever thought of, I have ever seen. It is such a shame to be leaving with so much left to say, but I have forgotten how to write. I am a farmer with no farm, a mother with no child, a man with no wife. I am incomplete and forgotten, although I am thankful for the life I have lived. In the case that I have forgotten how to write, write for me. Apologize and thank. Remind them I will miss them. Tell them I love them. Write that which I can not. And never forget to breathe.

In Case I Have Forgotten How To Think

2009-05-21T18:09:00.002-04:00

Take my brain, I won't need it anymore. Examine it until you learn how to fix a broken heart. Apologize to my mother because I always yelled and apologize to my father for never opening my mind. Apologize to my sister because I really do love her and I never did tell her enough. Apologize to the man I love for crying. For screaming. For blaming it all on him. Apologize to my children that I never got to have. Take my heart, I won't need it anymore. Give it to someone with a strong mind worthy of a strong heart. Leave my fingers and my hands with me. Apologize to the planet because I never got to save Her and apologize to God for never believing enough. Send my best wishes everyone I never got to meet. It is such a shame to have missed out on so many people. Go to Paris for me. Go to Big Sur for me. Mostly go to New Zealand for me, I think I really would have loved it there. Tell Andrew Vanwyngarded and Zach Condon that I am so sad to never have met them, but I did get to see them up close once or twice. I will love them long after I have forgotten how to think. Give everything I own, although its not much, to a girl who gave up on believing. Find her somewhere, anywhere, and remind her that Life is the most amazing thing she will ever experience, if only she knew how.
Thank my mother and my father for the thoughts they allowed me to have. They were interesting and strange and I loved everyone of them. Thank everyone who taught me anything. Learning was the greatest thing I ever accomplished and I am sorry to have lost it all.

Oh how I Wish

2009-05-19T21:07:00.001-04:00

My brain would stop melting. (metaphorically)

In Case I Have Forgotten How To Speak

2009-05-18T21:40:00.003-04:00

Tell my mother that I love her and that I would tell her myself if I could. Tell my father thank you, so very much, for the voice you allowed me to have. Although I have lost it I will never forget the importance of a long conversation and an even longer song. Tell my sister, and the rest of our band of gypsies, I will miss the music that we made. The only instrument I can play are the vocal cords that I have forgotten how to strum, so I hope they play on without me, the band of gypsies that is. Explain to the world that I wish I could join their greatest slam poetry team, there's a lot going on inside me. Tell Emerson College that I suppose they don't need me anymore, and that is such a shame. Remind the stage that I'll miss it and perhaps I'll be back for Arsenic and Old Lace done in sign language, if there's a spot for me. I'd like to keep my tongue because although I'm sure there are better uses for it, I do enjoy the taste of treacle tart from time to time. Apologize to my lungs for all of the smoke I will be inhaling. If there is no voice left to save, fill me up with Nicotine and THC, pump them through my veins as if I am a dragon needing fuel to continue breathing fire. Tell Oprah that if I ever get to meet her, I wouldn't mind having an interview, I could simply write all my responses down. I think we'd really get along.
Thank, thank, and thank some more thanks to everyone, and I do mean Everyone, who had a part in shaping and changing my ability to write. Thank my father for storytelling and my mother for listening. Thank my sister for giving me something to talk about. Thank my kindergarten teacher and Father Time for almost curing a bad case of dyslexia, I ma hcum retteb ffo naht I saw erofeb. Thank the creator of pencils and the ball-point pen. Give a thousand thanks to the creators of Mole Skin and Papirus. I can't wait to dig in.
Please, say all of the words that I can not. Please sing all of the songs that I can not. Please teach all of the children that I can not. Please soothe all of the souls that I can not.
And thank yourself.

Well goddamn, the world freaks me out sometimes! It messes with the inner workings of my head.

Everything I Don't Want.

2009-05-13T22:28:00.003-04:00

Take me there.

Take a piece of my mind. I have far too much.
Enough to go around
And then some.

Or there.

Anywhere but here.

In Case I Have Forgotten How To Stand

2009-05-12T22:13:00.002-04:00

Give regards to my mother for the legs she has given me and the time I have spent with them. Regards to my father for my feet. I have a full set of ten toes, no more, no less, and I appreciate it. Tell my uncle I still tip my hat to him although I can not give him a standing ovation for the food I have been fed. It was all quite magnificent. Please tell the Disney Company I would still love to play Snow White, if they don't mind a little twist in the series of events. Tell the man I love that I'll write, I couldn't bear to have him see me like this. Broken, if only just a bit. Please inform the school that I won't be attending. Its a shame, but I would hide my face and cry when everyone said that They Were Sorry. Tell those who can't speak, I feel for them. Tell those you can't hear, I feel for them. Tell those who can't see, I feel for them. Tell those who can't move, I feel for them. Tell children, under the age of 1, I feel for them. Tell those who can't feel, tell them they are fools, and that they don't know what they're missing. Call my job and tell them they will have to replace me, I will no longer be able to showing complaining costumers to their seats. Perhaps its time they found them themselves. Remind the Sandman that I am here too and would appreciate some sleep. Ask him to shut my eyes, they are far too wide. Please tell Bill Gates I would love a new job, if he's offering. Somewhere I could sit with legs that have forgotten how to stand.
Tell my mother and my father, and any one else responsible, how grateful I am to have fingers and hands. Perfectly capable and whole, that allow me to speak even when words fail me. Thank them for allowing me to live and let go and learn and move on, even if I have forgotten how to stand.

Aging.

2009-05-11T20:32:00.001-04:00

The worst part of growing up
Is knowing that you aren't young.
Can not
Run through the streets
Without pants
And be called
Adorable.
But knowing that you
Can not
Get food from the
Senior Citizen's menu
If you really wanted to.
Maybe you
Can not
even be
President
If you tried.
But you'll be held responsible
For anything you break
While playing
Tag.
At least you can get
High
If you really wanted to.
Right?

2009-04-30T22:03:00.002-04:00

I am hiding. And I can't finish any

Thing.

I am hiding behind you.

Not allowing myself to speak.

Oh how we love you.

God, we love you!

You are the perfect interpretation

Of a human, of a

Doll.

You are the perfect interpretation

Of anything at all.

I am not old enough yet

To weep

Or to speak,

Hiding behind trees.

Peaking at the idea

Of a good face,

A pretty face.

Something I can't be

And find it hard to see.

Don't we know,

You are the perfect interpretation

Identification

Imagination

Magnification,

Of what everything should be.

If you repeat a word too many times, it doesn't even sound like language anymore.

2009-04-10T11:59:00.003-04:00

I am a parasite
Living within you,
Destroying your insides.
You can't get rid of me,
You don't know that I am there.
It is I that makes you itch.
It is I that makes you cry
When you don't know why your sobbing,
You just feel as if your hearts been broken
In three.
It is me.
I am eating your despair.
Living off your sorrow.
Thriving as I watch you
Fall apart
And decay.
I am the parasite you hate,
Making you squirm.
It is I that whispers in your ear at night,
Driving you crazy,
You think your mad.
It is me.
It is I that sings to you in the silence
And the darkness.
You think its angels crying.
It is me.
I am the parasite you hate,
Stealing your stomach,
Stealing your mind.
They think your crazy,
You think your mad.
It is me.
I am a parasite.

Set Your Soul On Fire

2009-04-02T22:45:00.002-04:00

You might feel a bit better.

Then again, you might feel a bit worse.

I Like the way Blueberries look when they are stuck Beneath your Toes.

2009-03-30T22:28:00.003-04:00

Do not fight for me or fight for you or fight for me to fight for you. Let us stand with our heads held high and our swords and our shields on the ground by our side, not hurting or fighting anything. We can stand back to back, not seeing each other, but knowing we are there to let us be free and let others be free and letting us just be. Not fighting anything. I do not want to feel your face break under the force of my hand, I do not want to hear your back break on the land when you are falling off the roof of a five story building. The five story building doesn't seem too scary, doesn't seem too tall, but when it holds your life in the palm of its hand and can break your back when you land, tell me, five stories isn't enough. We will never fight for anything. We will stand on a hill and tell the world what we think and what we believe in. We will shout out our rules and dreams and what we think is right. But if They disagree, they Disagree and a battle royale won't solve their problems. Hold my hand and stare into my back, read my freckles like constellations forming the future and changing the past. I'd like to say I'd like to be in history books, but I do not want to be, I will never be, History. I will be the present and the future and the past, the now and the forever and the past few millenniums, but I will never be the history.

All I know is that all around the nation
The girls are crying
And the boys are masturbating.

The Fall

2009-03-29T18:01:00.003-04:00

A really really really
Really
Beautiful film.
Get off of my blog and go watch it.
Right now.